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President Obama Lets NASA’s Shuttle Program Die, Gambles with the Fate of Mankind
This past Monday, the Space Shuttle Endeavour took its final journey into space. When Atlantis blasts off in June, it will signal the end of NASA's shuttle program...and possibly the end of the human species. Why does the shuttle program matter? Because if we abandon our progress in developing manned spaceflight, we will never be able to escape Earth in case of an emergency. Can we blame President Obama for this? Of course we can. But is he the only one to blame? Yeah, pretty much. For our ...
The Coolest Ways to Smuggle an Immigrant Across the Border
Since the Greeks first smuggled a horseload of illegal immigrants into Troy, people have been doing their best to evade the long arm of the INS (the Immigration and Naturalization Service no longer exists under that name, but it is still the most effective acronym for illegal immigration humor). The following would-be immigrants tried to cross the border and failed, but you have to admit, they did it with style. 1. Disguised as Marines The punishment should be 3 years in the military. (Photo ...
7 Reasons Why Aliens Are More Dangerous Than Zombies
The zombie obsession sweeping the nation makes me sad and frightened for the future of mankind. Our preoccupation with zombies has taken our eyes off the real enemy: aliens. Aliens are far more dangerous and require much more preparation to defeat. If you don't believe me, please read the following list. If, at the end, you still don't believe me, then may God have mercy on your alien-probed soul. 1. I'm Sorry, But Zombies Aren't Real Has anyone ever actually seen a zombie? I&...
Not Enough Black Candidates Pass Police Test, So DOJ Says "Hey, Just Lower the Passing Score!"
The Department of Justice has ordered the Dayton, Ohio Police Department to lower their testing standards to increase the number of eligible black candidates. The passing scores on the two-part test went from 66% and 72% to 58% and 63%, respectively. "Paw, why would they do that?" "Well, Billy, when one particular group doesn't do as well on a test, somebody's going to complain. So the government steps in and lowers the standards, because that's the easiest and ...
Voting is done for Part 1 (51/49): uld-jebediah-the-amish-samurai -bounty-hunter-do I guess the bear must wait, muttered Jebediah to himself as he began his journey into the forest. He decided the fugitive posed a greater danger than even the bear. Dozens of young girls, presumably murdered, had been abducted from houses in the surrounding area. The culprit must be ...
5 Examples of Political Correctness Gone Too Far
No one sacrifices more doves on the altar of political correctness than I do. Many a night do I spend nuzzling warmly against Lady PC's bosom as she whispers to me her secrets and brushes my tangled hair. But even I have to admit that sometimes political correctness is taken too far. At the very least, more important issues, such as bringing an end to baby snatching, should be addressed first. These 5 are my favorite examples of PCness run amok. 1. Photographic Diversity We've ...
Ok, say both statues become animated by lightning/witchcraft. And assume they're both carrying lightsabers. Who survives the duel?
Muammar Gaddafi v. Kim Jong-il
Thomas the Tank Engine v. The Little Engine that Could
Cerberus v. Clifford the Big Red Dog
Jebediah stuck his samurai sword into the soft earth beneath the sycamore tree. He carefully removed his straw hat and rested it upon the hilt as he knelt down to examine the droppings. Bear, he thought. From the size of them, he determined that it must be the large rogue grizzly that had been terrorizing the villagers for months now. He frowned as he realized its tracks lead in the direction of ...
Is it Nate, who happens to have a picture of a dog? Or like...Nate Dog?
no, nothing clever, just a picture of my brother's dog. i think the real nate dogg is r.i.p., incidentally.
HBO's Game of Thrones Creator Announces New Book Date: Nerds Everywhere Rejoice
George R.R. Martin announced Thursday that a firm publication date had been set for A Dance with Dragons, the next book in the A Song of Ice and Fire fantasy series. The book will be published July 12th, 2011. For those that have a life, these are the books upon which the highly anticipated HBO series Game of Thrones is based. For those that don't, this means our prayers and fasting have been answered. The ones we lost during the moon goddess sacrifices did not die in vain.
Who Will Win Sleazy Politician of the Year, Edwards or Berlusconi?
Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister of Italy, has emerged as a potential challenger for Sleazy Politician of the Year. In this challenge, the most rigorous of the political sleaze championships, contenders are only eligible in the year their exploits are revealed through legal proceedings.
All the Solutions You'll Ever Need for Overpopulation
With the Earth's population expected to pass 7 billion this year, it's time to start thinking about overpopulation, namely its effects on space and resources. The following ideas, in no particular order, are my contribution to the debate, the most realistic and scientific solutions I could come up with. (And no, the list does not include an abortion machine on every street corner or a recipe for Soylent Green.)
Want Obama's Birth Certificate? That'll Be $100
State legislators in Hawaii have introduced a bill that would allow anyone to obtain a copy of President Obama's nebulous birth records for a $100 fee. The goal of this bill is to crush the "birther" controversy once and for all. I'm sorry, but I'm just not falling for it. First off, the 5 legislators sponsoring the bill are all Democrats. Secondly, birth certificates are notoriously easy to fake. Thirdly...well, two is enough for me. Before I even begin to consider the ...
Do you prefer the rain or the snow?
i guess the rain's misery is more fleeting.
Would you rather have pancakes or waffles?
waffles (with chicken)
Do you prefer Cake or Ice Cream?
ice cream
Would you prefer to go blind or deaf?
Which do you like better, Snickers or Reeses Peanut Butter Cups?
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