Wielding Netflix, Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Destroy the InternetPosted on by Mike Dano (Mikedano)
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If there's one thing that's an incontrovertible fact, it's that Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are awesome. "Conan the Barbarian," "The Running Man," "Total Recall," "Commando," "Predator," "Terminator" -- the list just goes on and on. There's more bone-crushing awesomeness in these precious few 80s-era Arnie action movies than in all of the so-called "action movies" made during the past 10 years combined.
However, much like Whitney Houston and Gary Coleman, Ahnold's artistic awesomeness was seriously compromised by his later work. Remember that one movie with Danny DeVito where Arnold got pregnant? There were a number of problems with that, mainly that Arnold didn't kill anyone and there were no guns or aliens or robots involved. Or time travel. I mean, what the hell?
Why Arnold, why?
But what's the point, you ask? The point is that "Awesome Arnold" (meaning, pre-Kindergarten Cop Arnold) has arrived onto the Internet thanks to Netflix. Any one of Netflix's 20 million subscribers can go to their computer RIGHT NOW and watch either "Commando" or "The Running Man" via their computer's AOL interweb DSL dealie.
...You're still reading this? You haven't surfed over to Netflix yet? Odd.
Netflix is a www Internet website thing that magically puts movies into your computer, and it seems they recently obtained the rights to show both "The Running Man" and "Commando," perhaps two of Arnold's greatest masterworks. While neither movie carries the gravitas of, say, a "Terminator 2" or the get-to-the-choppah deepness of a "Predator," they both contain a perfectly proportioned mix of biceps and killing. Remember that part in "The Running Man" where he kills that guy Subzero and then says, "Here's your Subzero, now plain zero"? That was so awesome.
The only problem with this whole situation is that Arnold is probably going to destroy the Internet. How, you ask? Well there are two probable (meaning, definite) possibilities:
- So many dudes start watching "The Running Man" and "Commando" over and over again that the Internet collapses under the sheer weight of the data transmission, or
- "The Running Man" version of Arnold bursts from the flimsy confines of Netflix and, upon discovering the popularity of pussies like Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson, wages war on the Internet itself. The battle is fierce, but nothing can withstand Arnold's I-can-hit-any-target-without-aiming gunplay. Eventually, Arnold takes over the Internet and rules it with an iron fist. I realize this second scenario is a bit far-fetched, but so is the premise of "Total Recall," and look how awesome that movie turned out.
In fact, now that Arnold appears to be ending his run as a politician who didn't kill anyone (that we know of), there is a slight possibility that he could return to making movies that kick ass. I'm just worried there are no more bad guys left for him to fight. After all, Arnold has already battled aliens ("Predator"), terrorists ("True Lies"), Sinbad ("Jingle All the Way"), Batman ("Batman & Robin") and the devil himself ("End of Days"). Who is left? I'm hoping that today's 70-year-old, steroid-riddled Arnold takes on both Pattinson and Bieber in a remake of "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." But with time travel.
But seriously, let's hope that Netflix is able to obtain the rights to additional Arnold movies, including "Terminator 2" and "Conan the Barbarian." I would even settle for "Raw Deal" or "Red Sonja," despite the fact that both of those movies are almost unwatchable. I'm willing to write my Congressional representative or go on a hunger strike in order to help Netflix obtain the rights to these movies. Or, at the very least, I'm willing to skip my second breakfast.In conclusion: Let off some steam, Bennett.