Why the U.S. Might Want to Invade Canada

Posted on by Shanelle Mullin (Shanelle)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/5krx
In March, This or That published an article called The Top 5 Countries the U.S. Should Invade Next. Guess who was at the top of the list? Canada, of course. Canada is the perfect choice! Who else is geographically close to America, lacks military power, has the largest supply of fresh water in the world, has free healthcare and cheap pharmaceuticals? Yep, Canada is the perfect country to invade.

As a proud Canadian, I can think of a million reasons why America would want to invade this country, but most of them pretty much boil down to us being awesome. We just happen to be awesome in a subtle, backwards kind of way. Anyway, these two know what I'm talking about:

(Note: The U.S. no longer "has the money.")

Not convinced Canada is an awesome country that America definitely wants to invade? Here's some more concrete, less musical proof.

We're Boring

You will never encounter a country that is more boring than Canada. Honestly, we do a whole lot of nothing up here most of the time. I'm not blinded by national pride, so I can admit that many of the Canadian stereotypes are true. We love to drink beer, play hockey and go camping.

However, Americans take heed, not all the stereotypes are true. We don't all speak French and it is not eternal winter here. I mean, honestly, most of us live right across the border. When you say things like that, especially on national television, it makes you look even dopier than us.

Anyway, being boring has turned out to be a major plus for Canada. Fortunately, our boring nature meant we practically skated through the housing and dot com bubbles. We're too boring to get involved in trends that quickly - BAM! Financial stability.

We're Easy

It's no surprise that Canada has been declared the friendliest country in the world two years in a row. We're pretty easy. We don't need a romantic dinner or a diamond ring; it doesn't take much to be our friend. Gay marriage? Go for it. Immigration? Love it. Speak a different language? Awesome. Practice a different religion? Great. Of a different ethnicity? We dig it.

This poses a huge problem for America on the invasion front. Who would let big, bad America invade nice, friendly Canada? Not the U.N., our number one fan, that's for sure.

We're Afraid of Everything

Americans hate taxes. They absolutely cannot stand taxes. Americans loathe taxes with every fibre of their being. If you tell an American that taxes are going up, they'll pack their bags and head for Mexico. If you tell a Canadian that taxes are going up, however, they'll just shrug their shoulders.

Sure, higher taxes are annoying and we don't necessarily like them, but they're sensible. Besides, it's good economic practice to raise taxes during expansion. Something could go terribly wrong and leave us defenseless in the global economy.

Guess what, Americans! Something did go terribly wrong and it left you defenseless in the global economy. Yep, the housing market went downhill and America increased its already significant debt. Fortunately, we Canadians are scaredy-cats who have been planning for this very disaster since 1867. Our fear of everything worked in our favour though because we're back to peak employment and production levels.

The only thing we don't seem to be afraid of is war. In fact, I'm thoroughly convinced the sole purpose of our military force is to bail Britain and America out during their wars.

So, Americans, I just want to tell you that I understand where you're coming from with wanting to invade Canada. We're boring, we're easy and we're afraid of everything. I mean, we're pretty awesome, eh?

Should America invade Canada?

9591 views & 31 votes

Debate It! 12

So Canada is better than America because of its cultural traits alone and the fact that it is smaller thus more manageable has nothing to do with it? Hrmmmmm.

(and here is some evidence for the demographic validity of my argument: http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=canada+population+%2F+us+population)

Posted By Brash Equilibrium,

We should invade Mexico to make my dream of lying beachside with a pi?a colada Bandito-free.

Posted By karlakelly,

You left out oil sands as a reason America would want to invade Canada. Surely you know America is owned by Corporations & particularly by oil Corps. Oil is at the heart of nearly every political & foreign policy decision so if Canada has oil for the taking....as Donald Trump says, any resources belong to the conquerer!

Posted By barkway,


Posted By BetaDenChoco,

@Brash Dude, we all know Canada's better. They have poutine, for Christ's sake.

Posted By Rebecca,

FFS America just quit while your ahead.

Posted By Olivia_1994,

Poutine IS the best thing in the world. I'd give up camping for life for a hot curd-covered poutine right now, I'll tell you what.

Posted By BambiBlue,

Back off Americans! You ain't got nothin' on Canada! Lol just kidding'! LOVE YA!

Posted By Retrovinyl,

Canada has more space than USA. And it is part of the north america. if canada is invaded we could be all called north americans.

Posted By dylancayleb,

America would just ruin Canada's good nature if it were to invade it. I say Canada should invade America!
Pretty radical eh?? (x

Posted By belen(:,

36 HOURS! That's how long it would take to invade Canada. 99% of Canadians live within 150 miles of the u.s. it would be extremely easy. Dudes on horses cant beat tanks

Posted By canada sucks,

Posted By vmcreation,

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