Top 10 Reasons the Ocean is TerrifyingPosted on by Andrew Kalinchuk (kalinchu)
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It's fairly common knowledge that humans fear the unknown, and there are few things more shrouded in mystery than that big ol' puddle we call the ocean. This is why it just might be the most frightening thing on the planet. Granted, time spent on the beach can be very enjoyable, and I hear surfing is fun...but who knows what unknown horror lurks in those watery depths or sits waiting in the warm sand? What terror of the deep will you fear most at this list's end? Read on to explore your options.
Maybe I'm alone on this one, but whenever I set foot in murky water and my toes sink into the soft, sandy bottom, I can't help but imagine what disgusting things I might find. It's that ever-present thought of, "Oh please, please, please, just don't cut my foot." This fear is definitely supported by the photo above.
So far, the worst was a dirty diaper and though it may not seem like the stuff of nightmares, just try telling that to my night terrors.
9. Bad Bathing Suits
Thong bathing suits are not okay. I don't care who you are. Exposed ass cheeks with floss between them are best left inside the pages of a smutty magazine. This faux pas extends to everyone of all shapes, sizes, and age. I don't care if you're an underwear model or my grandmother (but especially don't wear them if you're my grandmother...or anyone's grandmother), I don't want to see a bare ass while I'm casually reading a novel in the sun and my (future) children are frolicking amongst the waves.
8. The Dark Depths
There are places in the ocean that we have yet to explore because they are so goddamn deep. Who knows what kind of terrifying creatures are swimming around down there just waiting to come to life and eat us / take over the world. Godzilla? Alien spacecraft? Carnivorous starfish? Gigantic jellyfish?
Fortunately, or unfortunately (depending on your outlook), it seems the mysteries of the deep sea won't remain a mystery for much longer: the "Virgin Oceanic" plans to dive to the deepest part of each of Earth's five oceans in the next two years. Pretty impressive, but let's hope they find something useful and don't accidentally awaken Megalodon.
7. Giant Squid
It can't get much worse than a 40 foot, ten-tentacled killing machine. It would be frightening enough if they could only crush you to death, but it's so much worse than that. Each of their arms are lined with hundreds of suckers filled with sharp, finely serrated rings. These teeth in combination with the suction cups work to firmly attach the squid to its prey. Sounds fun, right?
But that's not all: they also have a beak-like mouth that can shred you to pieces while the tentacles just keep pulling you in. Oh, and they like to do this in groups. But you're right. I am sure you'll be fine.
Three big problems with jellyfish: they're everywhere, they sting you, and way too many people think the best treatment is to rush over and pee on wherever you just got stung. None of this information is extremely comforting and I've had enough relatives get stung for this to be a very, very real fear.
Plus, since reactions can range from almost no effect to extreme pain or death, getting stung by a random jellyfish is like taking a stab at the lottery...only without the potential upside. Grrrreat.
It's the first, the original, the awe-inspiring, terror of the deep. There's not one person I know who isn't shit-scared of a shark attack. All it takes is one wide-framed shot of a dorsal fin and we're all wetting our pants. "Aww shit! Who's it gonna eat!?"
Now imagine that instead of being on your big, comfy couch watching Shark Week, you are jumping around in the waves with your water wings on. Uh oh, out pops a dorsal fin about ten feet away from you and what do you do? You shit your pants.
4. Monstro from Pinocchio
My early years as a child taught me that whales were adorable, extra-large swimming mammals that only wanted to be my friend and teach me silly songs. But that was a simpler time. A time before I'd watched Pinocchio.
A heart-warming story about a lovable old man who makes a talking puppet, I was lured into getting attached to the characters and genuinely felt like they were my friends. Once the bonds of friendship were freshly formed, Monstro ate the lovable old man, who then lived inside the whale's belly waiting for rescue. Small spaces, nasty smells, and enough saliva to make a swimming pool. Color me afraid.
3. Fish with Human Features
These are without a doubt the most unsettling photographs of fish in existence. It only confirms my fears that the ocean will one day take over the planet Earth by using its extreme powers of the unknown to transform water-dwelling creatures into humanoid monstrosities. Don't ask me about the logistics on that one. I mean, c'mon, fish with human faces and human teeth? Something mystical is at work here.
2. BP Oil Company
Now that BP Oil has taken its spot as the unofficial ocean Destroyer, I find myself peeking over my shoulder whenever I approach the ocean. My ultimate fear here is that somehow I will miss the offshore oil rig lurking in my peripheral vision and when my guard is down, it will leak its oil and petroleum all over me and my friends. It's not enough that BP did its damnedest to destroy an ecosystem, but to top it off, they made a bunch of cute and cuddly animals look like Becky the duck when Bayside struck oil.
1. The Giant Isopod
Insects are definitely my number one fear and although most of them are harmless, it doesn't make me any less uncomfortable in their presence. In fact, even though they're tiny and invisible to the naked eye, dust mites are hands down the most horrifying insects. Their fat bodies and little, creepy legs...shudder.
Great news though, the giant isopod looks like a life-sized version of those critters (12 inches long) and every time I look at it, a little bit of vomit sneaks up into my mouth. To add to their spook factor, as if their appearance wasn't enough, the giant isopod is carnivorous and primarily feeds on the dead and rotting flesh of whales, squid, and fish. Mmm, that's nice.