Ah, Libya. We always knew we'd get around to military action in your deserts too. See, we can't, so to speak, "invade" you the way we'd normally do because we've got all of our troops over in Iraq. No, Afghanistan. Wait, is it Egypt? Well, we've got 'em committed somewhere in the world, and we've got their backups helping out in Haiti and now Japan, and we've got their backups still working in New Orleans, so yeah, we're stretched a little thin. We're just going to be part of this U.N. front instead of lead it, and by "part of it" we mean we're going to send over credit card debt and infomercials, since that's all we manufacture anymore.

But once we've won all those wars and cleaned up all those messes, here's our itinerary for future invasions.

1. Canada

This one's a complete no-brainer. They've got no armed forces to speak of, we don't even have to use ships or planes to get our troops there, and dammit, they've got oil! They've also got this crazy national health plan that's got to be quashed immediately before the American citizens get wind of it, so that'll be the first thing. And then we'll jack up the prices on those cheap pharmaceuticals. Oh yeah, we'll give 'em democracy right up the maple leaf.

2. Australia

G'day, new Americans! Lemme see those hands! The biggest problem with Australia is that they don't know how to use their country properly. Almost all of the people live on the coastline, leaving a huge central section just sitting there doing nothing. Do you have any idea how many Wal-Marts we could fit in there? How many Targets, how many Applebee's? The obvious disadvantage is how freakin' far away Australia is, but no worries. We've got our top scientists and engineers working out how to build a bridge from Honolulu to Sydney. Then think about how many Best Westerns and Exxons we can put along that drive. Swoon.

3. Tuvalu

Never heard of it? Well once we invade and make it our own, you'll hear plenty about it, buster. Why does Tuvalu make the list? Because it's the least populated country on the planet! Less than 11,000 people! And no military! We could invade and secure it before the morning coffee gets cold. It doesn't have any resources we can strip, but it is a Polynesian island, so it would be an ideal place to send our troops for some well-deserved R&R, and it's also midway between Hawaii and Australia, so it'll be a good stopping point along that bridge we discussed.

4. Ireland

Okay, this whole Ireland/Northern Ireland thing needs to stop, and since they can't settle it among themselves, it's clear that the good ol' US of A has to invade and put in our own government to keep things cool as a fool. If the Protestants and Catholics can't get along, we'll put in a Lutheran governing body. Or maybe some Jews; we'll see how it all plays out. But once we invade, we'd have the market cornered on four-leaf clovers, Lucky Charms cereal, and thick cable-knit sweaters. We'll also have access to leprechaun pots of gold, which will help us pay down our national debt.

5. Iceland

Come on now, really, who's going to fight us for it? There's ice and snow, and rocks, and ... well, that's about it. Come to think of it, why would we even want it? Oh that's right, because we want everything. So yeah, maybe we can put in a Disneyworld or something, make it more appealing to visitors and squeeze a couple of bucks out of it. At the very least, it'll be a good spot for us to claim the winter Olympics over and over again. Disney! Olympics! Cha-ching! Oh, and to make it family-friendly, once our invasion is complete, we'll rename it Niceland.

Which will be more popular, the United States of Canada or the United States of Australia?