The Douchiest Ways to Break Up with Someone

Posted on by Stephanie March (smarch18)
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Break ups are hard, and sadly, we've all been there. Most decent human beings attempt to make the break-up as easy and painless as possible; rational people generally have no want to purposefully hurt someone. But some people are neither decent nor rational, and those are the people who are the worst at ending a relationship (and not so great to have dated in the first place). You know: assholes.

The decent and rational among us understand that there are certain ways to go about ending a relationship, a plethora of unwritten rules. Respect, kindness, the striving to recall what it was that drew you to that person in the first place, all that. Given that, we should respect our exes enough to break their hearts in an adult manner, and not stoop to the easy or emotionally expedient option. Like the ones below, for example, which will not only label you as a complete jerkbag, but it'll run up a karmic debt that you'll be paying off until you're in Depends. So use this list as a cautionary tale. If you're going to dump someone, grow a pair and do it the right way. Because if any of the below are on your list of options, you, my friend, are a complete and utter douchebag.

10. Leave a Voicemail

It's understandable not to want to meet with your soon-to-be-ex in person, but waiting until you know they're unavailable or, even worse, calling their work phone at night and leaving a message is just plain mean. Seriously. If you have the cojones to get naked in front of someone, you should have the gumption to look them in the eyes and explain yourself. Plus, breaking up face-to-face shows them you're serious; fewer stalkers in this world are always a good thing.

9. Ignore Them

Okay, so in small moments, we've all done it. The caller ID reads "Ex," and we hit ignore. It's less painful for everyone, at least for a while, but there is absolutely no closure, people. The person may think you're just busy or dead and will either call the cops or show up at your work and, coming from someone who has made this mistake, a work confrontation is awkward for everyone. Not to mention what an ass you'll look like in front of all of your peers. Give the person you've been with a smidge more respect.

8. Text

Ah, the pain that technology brings with it. This 21st century method of communication has also become the go-to douchebag move for ending a romance. It's disheartening, to say the least, to receive a text that reads: "its nt u its me. Nt workin'. Ttyl. J" Uhhh...what? The thing about a text is that not only is it impersonal, but most of the time it's not even grammatically correct and that, for some of us, is more heartbreaking than the break-up itself.

7. Send an Email

This one is a little better than text because it at least allows for some explanation...but it's still shady as hell. And please, please, please don't use the "we live in different states" or "I'm just really busy" excuses. They're lame and we're not buying them. Us no likey, assbag. The truth about people who email a break-up cyber letter is they don't have the guts to even pick up a phone and answer the inevitable question "why?" And the reason they can't answer that question is because they have no good reason. They probably just have someone else. You're better without them, but post the lame email on your Facebook anyway. You can even feel free to make a few changes prior to posting. It's fun!

6. Update Your Facebook Relationship Status

And speaking of Facebook, a recent study reported that 30% of divorces in the past couple of years cite Facebook as one of the contributing factors for the marriage failing. So, Facebook has enough 'splainin' to do without also being used to literally end a relationship. Updating your status to "single" is not a sufficient message to someone you've been "in a relationship" with. Granted, this might be a last-ditch option if you've been trying to break up with someone, and they refuse to recognize it, but understand that in choosing to do it, you're going to look like the douchebag. And really, before the status update, at least try IMing them first. You know, for a little cyber-conversation before you crush their heart and soul into a million tiny little pieces.

5. Tweet

This short and often misspelled form of communication is one of the worst and most brutal ways to end things. If your ex is one of your followers and you choose to dump them online, they could get the message anywhere. And how would you feel if you contributed to them driving off the road because they just saw your tweet on their iPhone?? Technology is far too advanced to be this cold, people. It's making breaking up more effective and easier for the assholes in the universe, but oh the humanity!

4. Show Them Your New Online Dating Profile

Okay...this actually happened to a friend of mine, and it was admittedly pretty insanely effective...but also cruel and unusual punishment. I suppose if you psychotically hate the person you're breaking up with, it's a simple alternative to an uncomfortable and possibly volatile conversation, but even then it seems to me to be inviting trouble. Since you're announcing to your unknowing ex that you are ready to move on, I'm thinking they probably won't exactly be in the mood to wish you well. First reaction may be they assume it's a joke, but after the unanswered phone calls and ignored texts set in - you're probably going to have one pissed off person on your hands that vows to follow you on every single blind date and scream "I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING WHORE!" at the top of their lungs. Which was how my guy friend dealt with being dumped like this. Seriously. It happened. And really, who can blame him?

3. Have Friends or Family There

Comfort zone break-ups make complete and utter sense. I get it. But, here's the thing: unless you're in a relationship with an abuser, there is no need to humiliate the person in front of your family and/or friends. There's just no payoff. Plus, as we all know the dumped can't have a normal reaction when your family is present which means you are just begging for a follow-up fight. And do you really want to talk to the person again tomorrow? No, no you don't. You're also being an ass to your friends and family by forcing them to witness this horribly uncomfortable moment. It's not about making this break-up "okay" for you, Captain Selfish; it's about respecting the person you were with enough not to make them cry (or want to) in front of others.

2. Make Them a Mix-Tape

This is secretly one of my favs; filling up a CD with a crapload of I-hate-you and break-up songs is, in my humble and evil opinion, creative and clever. But also mean as hell. You leave some music on their doorstep or windshield and a person automatically thinks "OH YEAH! Someone luuuuvs me!" They unwittingly slip that baby into their player and BOOM! "I hate everything about you!" followed by "Go Your Own Way." Sigh. They won't be able to listen to the entire thing on the first run, but let me assure you, after they get drunk later, they will. And you'd better hope you've moved by then because you will be hearing some banging on your door, followed by keys scraping the word "SLUT" on the hood of your Subaru. (It's short, and easy to carve. Not that I think about these things.)

1. Cheat

Cheating is bad. Very, very bad. And when you decide to be the douchebag that cheats just to get out of a relationship, you are pretty much the worst kind of slutbag there is. The thing is, you aren't just hurting the person you're dumping, you're screwing over the person you're cheating with and ruining any chance of anyone ever truly trusting you again. And let me be perfectly clear, just because you temporarily "end up" with the person you cheated with doesn't justify the pain and suffering you caused. Here's an idea: why don't you start taking responsibility for your actions, stop lying to yourself and everyone else, and just have the chutzpah to tell the person you're with THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THEM ANYMORE. There's plenty of time for damaged, emotionless sex after the break-up. Don't rush it.

What's the best approach when breaking up?

14836 views & 68 votes

Debate It! 13

I'm a big fan of the we're breaking up interpretive dance. If they don't get it you then can try smoke signals.

Posted By matt,

I'd love to see a writer perform the interpretive dance (not me).

Posted By BrianN,

My favorite is the "breakup mix" option. I should try that some time...

Posted By cm_cahill,

"Break up mix" hmmm hadn't heard of THAT one before XD x xx

Posted By AshleighD3070,

You left out the ol' singing telegram. Also, is that you spray painting that car???

Posted By Bidnessman,

I like how so many of these fall into the new-tech category. Technology allows us new and varied ways to be an asshat.

Posted By Teague,

i think one of the meanest ways to break up with someone is to drive them out to the woods and pull over. be like 'hey, could you go grab me a couple of those pine cones?' and then when they get out, just peel out and drive away. that's pretty cold.

Posted By Nate,

well i dumped my bf over the internet once but we barley said a word to each other when we were going out which was about 3 or 4 days and he asked me out over the internet too... i was only 11 tho

Posted By lauriek,

Or you could always go with this....

Posted By Retrovinyl,

it's harder to meet her personally to break up but at least there will be common grounds and understanding

Posted By dylancayleb,

well idk i would kick his balls to lol

Posted By anthonypadillalova,

To funny!! ahah :)

Posted By helleny97,

I actually did the voicemail thing with my ex nearly a year ago. I still feel terrible about it; but every time I tried to explicitly break up with him over the phone (we lived 2,000 miles apart) he'd literally say he had to go and hang up, or start crying and blubbering and promising to make it better. So, I waited 'til I knew he was at work and left a break up voicemail, then changed my number and blocked his email. Then put all of his stuff in a box and mailed it to him the same day, delivery receipt requested. I do agree though that it is bad karma.

Posted By timberowl,

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