10 Valentine's Day Gifts Sure to Get You DumpedPosted on by Kirby Reed (Kirby)
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Happy Valentine's Day! For those of you lucky enough to be in a relationship this year, today is about more than chocolates, roses, and sappy Hallmark poems. Play your cards right and you're almost guaranteed a good time *wink wink* Screw it up and you'll be left sitting at home playing Dungeons & Dragons with your single roommate and his three cats.
The Valentine's Day gift is key. Tonight your girlfriend or wife will be measuring up your offering against all the amazing (and crappy) gifts she's received in the past. If you purchased something from Spencer's, you will not be getting lucky tonight. So before it's too late, here are a few other terrible gifts you'll want to avoid.
1. Heart-Shaped Jewelry
Jewelry stores are chock-full of heart-shaped necklaces and bracelets this time of year. You've seen those Jane Seymour commercials; you know what I'm talking about. Some pieces are expensive, others are dirt cheap, but they all have one thing in common: BAD Valentine's Day gift! Unless you're in junior high, heart pendants are just plain tacky. Your girlfriend already has a few tucked away in her jewelry box from her old high school boyfriends. You're in the big leagues now, so think outside the heart-shaped box. Regardless of what Kays, Zales, and Jarrod Galleria of Jewelry tell you, no woman wants this crap for Valentine's Day.
2. Anything Implying Your Girlfriend is Fat
If you value your life, DO NOT give these types of gifts today or any other day. This includes gym memberships, exercise equipment, workout DVDs, diet cookbooks, and scales. Your sweet little Porkchop may have put on a few extra pounds over the holidays, but reminding her of it won't help your Valentine's Day cause. So keep your mouth shut and embrace her body just the way it is.
3. Lazy Homemade Gifts
If you hand your girlfriend a coupon for a free smooch, she's probably going to cash it in for the chance to smack you upside your head. Coupons are cute if they're creative, but your standard love coupons are the preferred gift of cheap lazy boyfriends. Don't be one!
4. Rainbow Roses
Last week the delusional ladies of 'The View' introduced clueless present-seeking men to Rainbow Roses. The multi-hued bouquet looks like a box of crayolas threw up on a perfectly good batch of white roses. These obnoxious flowers belong at a child's birthday party, not displayed on your girlfriend's desk at work. Trust me, her friends and coworkers will make fun of you - big time. If you're going to go with roses, stick with a tried and true color.
5. Gas Station Leftovers
Sorry guys, but women can recognize the rejected cards that nobody else wanted. If you have to scribble out 'Nana' on your girlfriend's Valentine's Day card, she won't be pleased. And don't think pairing said card with a crushed box of chocolates and days old flowers will make up for it...it won't.
6. Gifts That Are Obviously for You
Let's face it, the only one benefiting from sexy lingerie is the dude who bought it. Skimpy outfits, porn, Playstations, and basketball tickets are all gifts you should be receiving, not giving. So if you really have to have one of these, drop a hint or two - a devoted girlfriend would be happy to oblige (unless, of course, you gift her with anything on this list).
7. Inappropriate Gifts (Not All Diamonds Are Created Equal)
Gifts that make you giggle probably won't go over so well with your girlfriend. Steer clear of Spencer's - I mean it. And just because something is sparkly or looks expensive, doesn't mean it's classy. So no diamond adorned vibrators, glittery condom cases or fashionable tampon holders.
It almost goes without saying that if you show up empty handed, you'll be spending the night alone. So man up and at least get her a dozen roses. You don't need to spend a lot of money to show your sweetie you care.
No one likes to get dumped, but it would especially suck to get dumped on Valentine's Day. If you know your current girlfriend's not 'the one,' don't be a tool and kick her to the curb on the day devoted to love and gooey romantic cliches. Fake an illness and dump her tomorrow.
10. Testicular Cancer Screening
Cancer sucks. I think we can all agree on that. But if you think your girlfriend will like hearing "Why give her diamonds when you can give her the family jewels," you're delusional. This CBS Cares commercial is both creepy and weird. While you may end up cancer free, you'll also be free of any Valentine's Day lovin'.