Rapture-Bound But Can't Bring Rover? Fret Not, End of Days Animal Lover!Posted on by Tasanee 'Taz' Hermans (lessthanthree)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/5qj0
I don't read or watch the news much. I figure that if something important is going on in the world, people will get worked up enough to tell me about it on Facebook. So I totally missed the fact the Rapture is coming up this Saturday, according to one Harold Camping, Christian radio host and former engineer. According to Camping's followers, around 200 million people will be raptured on May 21, roughly 3% of the world's population. They better make sure they have clean underwear on.
Image via this creepy guy
But what about those of us who will be left behind? Camping asserts that the Rapture will occur five whole months before the actual end of the world, which leaves a lot of us twiddling our thumbs and playing Xbox while we wait for the Old Ones to awaken from their sleep of a thousand ages and break through the thin fabric between the worlds. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Ahem. Sorry...that just slipped out.
Some of us will carry on writing snide internet articles right up until the point where our skin is flayed off by hordes of angry demons. But Bart Centre, a retiree living in New Hampshire, will be spending his time rescuing pets whose owners have been carried off to Heaven. His website, eternal-earthbound-pets.com, offers the services of confirmed atheists as "rescue representatives," willing and ready to swoop down and offer succour to any pets left behind due to their lack of an immortal soul for the bargain price of only $135 (plus an additional $20 per pet).
All rescue representatives are guaranteed not to get caught up in the rapture. Their FAQ page clearly states that
"Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation."
Of course, according to Mr Camping, they will only have to take care of these un-raptured pets for 5 months before God destroys the universe utterly and sentences them to eternal hellfire, but even so, $135 might be considered a small price to pay for peace of mind. Bart Centre seems to think so. He even includes a generous warranty on the offer, perhaps to account for the margin of error in Camping's 'calculations'. Given that Harold Camping has previously predicted that the world would end in September 1994 and we are all still here, Eternal Earthbound Pets guarantees the safety of your pet 'should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment.'
On the off-chance that the rapture doesn't occur this Sunday (or even ten years from now), old Bart will be raking in the dough. Normally one might decry such a scheme as a heartless attempt to prey upon the gullible, but their website seems genuinely concerned with the fate of these pets.
Aw, look at him. He's such a nice old man. And he has a doggie! (Image via the LA Times)
Should the rapture happen as scheduled, I have no doubt that they might make a sincere, if laughable, attempt not to renege on their contracts. Centre himself suggests that wary prospective customers "appoint a trusted nonbeliever with 'post-rapture power of attorney' to enforce the agreement." Good luck with enforcing that amongst the chaos and confusion caused by the imminent destruction of the universe. Haven't these people ever watched an apocalypse movie starring Will Smith in impeccable sunglasses?
Personally, I will be arranging a small Al Fresco gathering for May 21, so that my friends and I can watch the righteous shoot up into heaven like fireworks while we drink cheap red wine. After that, it's looting time!
Eternal Earthbound Pets: Blatant trolling or genuine offer??
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