J. Lo Looking for Assistant Who is Willing to Be Paid in Taco-Flavored Kisses

Posted on by Rebecca Kelley (Rebecca)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/5ii
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Life & Style reports that Jennifer Lopez is looking to hire a personal assistant who is willing to do a ridiculous amount of work for a pretty sad salary. If you can iron 45 pairs of white hot pants while listening to "Waiting for Tonight" on repeat and endure all 121 minutes of Gigli without dry heaving, you've made it atop the short list of candidates insane enough to actually want this position.

Here's a translation of the job requirements in case you're having trouble reading between the lines:

"Be graceful under pressure" = Don't lose your patience when trying to shoehorn Jennifer Lopez's giant ass into an impossible-sized pair of skinny-cut jeans.

It took an army to squeeze her into these


"Have a thick skin" =
Be willing to endure an endless onslaught of verbal (and probably physical) abuse. Also, this could potentially be a literal piece of advice -- Ms. Lopez may actually want to wear your skin as some sort of rich person fashion accessory.

Made from real gorilla chest!


"Be resourceful in foreign countries" = Know how to track down a chalupa at a moment's notice, no matter which country you're in.

"I found one, Ms. Lopez!"


"6 days a week, at least 12 hours a day with one day off" = You will never see your family or loved ones ever again. Why do you think the position is open? The last one didn't quit -- she requested a day off once and mysteriously vanished.

Last seen requesting a personal day to attend her father's funeral


"Must be comfortable around 'very high profile people'" = You won't throw up in your mouth every time you see Marc Anthony's skeletal, gaunt face.  

"Does my ribcage make my sternum look fat?"


"You have to change diapers/work on very little sleep" = Congratulations, you are now raising Jennifer Lopez's children. You may have also waived your right to keep your own uterus child-free -- J.Lo probably owns it now and will likely stuff it with her churro-crusted eggs and her husband's emaciated sperm because she wants to collect more children but isn't willing to get gorda again. Your womb is her Back-Up Plan.

Coming soon to an overworked, underpaid assistant's uterus near you!

"Cook if the butler is away" = You're also the butler, cook, chauffeur, nanny, plumber, etc. You think she's willing to shell out money for all this hired help? No way -- you're the one wearing all these hats. 

Including this one


"Get to help J.Lo dress for red carpet events and photo shoots" = You're in charge of troweling spackle onto J.Lo's cellulite. It requires more time and manpower than the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition building team takes to construct a new house. 

Move that bus!

You're probably wondering what the salary is for this horrifying job position. According to Life & Style, the salary is a paltry $55-65k. I don't know about you, but that's not nearly enough money to be Jennifer Lopez's modern-day slave. 

What do you think, would you want to be J.Lo's personal assistant? 

Would you want to be Jennifer Lopez's personal assistant?

7869 views & 137 votes

Debate It! 1

I can't even make myself watch Selena because J.Lo is in it. I know I should break down and see it, but I can't handle J.Lo.

Posted By lockheed40,

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