J. Lo Looking for Assistant Who is Willing to Be Paid in Taco-Flavored KissesPosted on by Rebecca Kelley (Rebecca)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/5ii
Here's a translation of the job requirements in case you're having trouble reading between the lines:
"Be graceful under pressure" = Don't lose your patience when trying to shoehorn Jennifer Lopez's giant ass into an impossible-sized pair of skinny-cut jeans.
It took an army to squeeze her into these
"Have a thick skin" = Be willing to endure an endless onslaught of verbal (and probably physical) abuse. Also, this could potentially be a literal piece of advice -- Ms. Lopez may actually want to wear your skin as some sort of rich person fashion accessory.
Made from real gorilla chest!
"Be resourceful in foreign countries" = Know how to track down a chalupa at a moment's notice, no matter which country you're in.
"I found one, Ms. Lopez!"
"6 days a week, at least 12 hours a day with one day off" = You will never see your family or loved ones ever again. Why do you think the position is open? The last one didn't quit -- she requested a day off once and mysteriously vanished.
Last seen requesting a personal day to attend her father's funeral
"Must be comfortable around 'very high profile people'" = You won't throw up in your mouth every time you see Marc Anthony's skeletal, gaunt face.
"Does my ribcage make my sternum look fat?"
"You have to change diapers/work on very little sleep" = Congratulations, you are now raising Jennifer Lopez's children. You may have also waived your right to keep your own uterus child-free -- J.Lo probably owns it now and will likely stuff it with her churro-crusted eggs and her husband's emaciated sperm because she wants to collect more children but isn't willing to get gorda again. Your womb is her Back-Up Plan.
Coming soon to an overworked, underpaid assistant's uterus near you!
Including this one
"Get to help J.Lo dress for red carpet events and photo shoots" = You're in charge of troweling spackle onto J.Lo's cellulite. It requires more time and manpower than the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition building team takes to construct a new house.
Move that bus!
You're probably wondering what the salary is for this horrifying job position. According to Life & Style, the salary is a paltry $55-65k. I don't know about you, but that's not nearly enough money to be Jennifer Lopez's modern-day slave.
What do you think, would you want to be J.Lo's personal assistant?