It’s Official: Everything Awesome Causes Cancer

Posted on by Jeremy Clymer (jclymer)
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Well, it's over. You're not allowed to do anything fun and/or cool anymore. Smoking is out. Drinking is a no-no. Don't even think about tanning. Oh, and you can count oral sex out now, too. Yes, a new study has linked a rise in certain forms of head and neck cancer to the increased popularity of oral sex.

You know what, science? You and I are finished. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. You've brought me nothing but sorrow and heartbreak. I understand now why there are creationists, flat earthers, and people who look up at the sky every time it snows and declare it to be proof that global warming doesn't exist. It's just so much easier to go through life that way. If you don't believe in science, then you don't have to believe in all the terrible things that science keeps telling us. If you don't believe in science, you can get a BJ without worrying that you are contributing directly to your partner's untimely death. From now on, I choose to believe one thing and one thing only: that a giant bearded man in the sky is going to smite all the world's scientists and make oral sex safe again.

This man does not want you to have any fun.

It appears that the increased cancer risk from oral sex is caused by the rampant spread of HPV, which at least 50% of sexually active men and women contract at some point in their lives according to the CDC. That's a whole lot of people, so there's a good chance that you or someone you love has been exposed to it via the delivery mechanism of a hot, sticky shot in the mouth. Nature really knows how to ruin a good thing, doesn't it?

So does this mean that none of us should ever have oral sex again? Not necessarily. HPV is, after all, now largely preventable by vaccine. It sure makes you think twice, though, doesn't it? If something as wholesome and life-affirming as going downtown on a significant other can be lethal, what's next? Masturbation? Scientists, don't answer that.

Which of these cancer-causing activities is more fun?

1876 views & 29 votes

Debate It! 5

This just in, breathing is linked to cancer.

Posted By lockheed40,

Man, do I love me some drinkign.

Posted By jogden,

Also, posting ToTs significantly increases your chances of getting cancer, don'tchaknow

Posted By jogden,

jogden, i think that drinkign also causes cancer and impairs your ability to splle.

Posted By lockheed40,

nothing is healthy! the only way to be PERFECTLY healthy is to live in a plastic bubble. And even then, you are not safe, because what would happen if there ever was a tear in your bubble??

Posted By Mr.Truther,

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