If Arnold Can Get Away With It, So Can We; Effective Tips for Cheating

Posted on by Stephanie March (smarch18)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/66ze
Fine. Cheating is bad. You shouldn't do it, you probably won't get away with it unscathed, and you will hurt everyone involved, but sometimes our libidos take over and we can't help it. There are tons of tips on how to control yourself and not cheat, but what about those of you that are serial cheaters? Where's your help? Personally, I don't like to discriminate. I like to help all people - assholes included. So I've created a list to help the dirty whores in all of us.

Cheating is exhausting, so it's best to be prepared. Most people fail at it and get caught because they aren't doing it wisely. Often, cheaters don't take the art of cheating seriously and I'm here to change that. If you're going to commit to ripping the hearts out of the ones you once loved, at least do it right. Take note, cheaters. There are wrong and right ways to do everything, and listed below are the things that will almost ensure you can continue the illicit affair until you get bored and move on. Just don't print it out.

10. Open a Secret Credit Card/Bank Account

Please, please, please don't be the asshole that uses his debit card to buy his new fling dinner and flowers and to rent a hotel room. Please. The thing is, you will not only be spending a crapload of cash to cover up your affair, but you will be spending a ton just to keep it going. Cheating isn't cheap, and it's especially not cheap if you choose (and most do) someone who doesn't have as much cash as you do. The fling is normally with someone below you at work or the cute bartender/waitress/actress/student at your local drinking hole. The bottom-line is you will be shelling out money, and you don't want your partner to be questioning what the hell you saw at the movies on a Wednesday afternoon when you were supposed to be on a business trip. Footnote: Store your receipts at the office or in your new gym locker, and clean your pockets out before you get home, idiots.

9. Invest in a Tossable Cell Phone

If you don't want to alert your significant other to your cheating ways, you absolutely need a form of communication that they can't trace and definitely don't know about. The awesome thing about these disposable cell phones is that they are cheap, effective, and don't require contracts. A cell phone with a contract is absolutely traceable and one missed payment (it happens; you can't remember everything!) will cause a call, and the call will lead to questions, and the questions will ruin your newly, awesome sex life. Plus, most of these phones are wicked cheap and created for jerkbag cheaters (and drug dealers). YAY, technology!

8. Don't "Friend" Your Secret Lover

I don't know if it's that cheaters are stupid or just lazy, but I continually come across cheaters who "friend" their lovers on their favorite social networking site. Stop it! Someone is going to get pissed and freak out when you "check in" at the movies with your wife and BOOM! they will show up and blow your cover. Or the cheater will find it necessary to continually comment on your posts or tweets, and all that banter is sure to clue your mate in. You and your partner in crime need to come to some kind of understanding. The conversation may be a little rude and uncomfortable, but it will save you the uncomfortable "Are you cheating?" convo with your actual partner - for a while, anyway.

7. Get a Hobby

You need a solid alibi, friends. And your once-a-month book club meeting is not going to fool anyone. Now, this process needs to be a slow one. You can't just come home one night and exclaim your utter excitement to learn how to cook after years of burning eggs. Mention a conversation with a co-worker about how this hobby alleviates stress and work from there. Slowly start mentioning your growing interest in this fake chosen subject; the complete process should take about one month. Again, don't rush the new hobby and don't bring it up in a weird way. Just be casual about it. Make it all about improving yourself to improve the relationship. Blah. Blah. Blah. Trust me, they will fall for it, and when they do you'll have a couple nights a week to bang your new fling.

6. Join the Gym

No, not to get in shape for your new love, or even for an alibi - it's far too predictable for a professional. This is to have a place to keep fresh undies and have a place to clean up. My suggestion is to pick a gym that's inexpensive and close to your regular meeting place. Again, use the credit card that your partner doesn't know about and make sure that you don't take your personal stuff from your house to the locker. You will need to purchase panties/boxers that are identical to the ones you already have. This is much easier for the fellas, but for the ladies, on the days you know you'll be getting dirty with your new "special friend," just wear a simple cotton thong when you leave for the day. They are easy to replicate at Target and you can change into your sexy stuff prior to your meeting. Nobody said this was easy, kids.

5. Inform One Friend Who Hates Your Current Partner

If you're going to commit to being a serial cheater, you're going to need a consistent, reliable alibi. This is no easy task, people. Don't take this necessary component lightly. Not only must this person be a wicked good liar, but they need to be loyal and have absolutely no connection or attachment to the person you're cheating on. Preferably, this person will absolutely despise your unknowing mate. You need to rely on someone that is already in your life; recruiting someone new always makes the clueless victim suspicious. Test the waters with your good friends. Get their opinions on cheating and then choose the best one for the gig. You'll need to rely on them consistently, so choose wisely, beginners.

4. Keep Everything on One Computer

Spyware is the Kryptonite to all skilled cheaters. I don't know who came up with this anti-cheating software, but I not only loathe them, I also admire their creativity. Cheaters have to be able to outsmart the average snoopy partner. You need to always be one step ahead of them, and that requires you to have a computer that they have no access to. Cheating has been made more accessible because of modern day technology and sites like Facebook (I personally think this social network and its entire "reconnecting" people has ruined millions of marriages), but you need to use it wisely. Installing spyware takes mere minutes and can screw up months' worth of lies and deceit. My suggestion? Try cheating from a locked laptop that's always in your possession or work computer. If you're gonna cheat, you have to not only be willing to lose your money and spouse/partner, but your job as well. Don't be a scared little bitch! Do it.

3. Take Your Vitamins

This may seem like motherly advice, but trust me, you'll need energy. Lying takes a quick mind. Sex with multiple partners takes a vast amount of stamina. And not having time to eat will deplete all of your ability to do either. Your new best friends will be energy drinks and vitamins. Seriously, anything you can pop in your mouth that provides your body the illusion that it's being healthy is crucial to any serious cheater. Diet pills, although not crammed with the awesome crack they used to have, not only curb your appetite, but also give you the speed you need to maintain all the balls you have in the air while simultaneously providing you with a kick-ass bod. Buy Vitamin B and C in boatloads and you should be able to maintain the 4 hours of sleep you'll be getting nightly. A cheating mind never really has too much time to rest, people.

2. Use Protection

It seems that some people still don't know what condoms and birth control are, so let me clue you in. If you don't wrap it up, you will come home with some junk-rotting disease, give it to the innocent idiot sleeping next to you, and then be forced to tell that person that you think you got herpes from the toilet seat. They will leave you and take everything you own with them. Including your dignity. And ladies? The morning after pill is freaking expensive. Plus, it doesn't fight disease and after you finally recover from your drunken slut phase, you will definitely regret contracting HPV. That shit doesn't go away and it makes you infertile. So wrap it up and pop your pills. Nobody wants a baby from some skank they met in a bar.

1. Read Up on Effective Lying

We all have our little lying ticks. You know, the things that give us away immediately when we tell a fib. Learn yours right now. Hell, ask your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend what they are. Make up a story about how someone thought you were lying and BOOM! they will tell you precisely what you do when you are hiding something. Work daily to stop them and do your research. Grab some books on how to be a skilled liar and practice. Practice telling lies all day, but start small. Try lying about who you had lunch with or about taking the trash out. Once you get used to it, you'll have no problem looking your unsuspecting spouse in the eye and lying your ass off. Congratulations, you cheating bastard!

Would you ever cheat?

3240 views & 21 votes

Debate It! 6

Super funny and, sadly, informative article. I refuse to vote, though :)

Posted By Jayceepearl,

A man that cheats on his wife is a loser. Period.
Edited:06-03-2011 10:02AM by Rebecca
Reason:removed URL

Posted By WotWoo,

I agree with WotWoo on this one. Great article, nevertheless.

Posted By MisterJeremiah,

LOL, condoms next to the keyboard.
Agree with WotWoo, a cheater is not a real man

Posted By Forgual,

Kinda funny to read this!

Posted By Haltand93,

Posted By vmcreation,

Make a Comment

You must be signed in to add a comment. login | register
view profile
You are now following
You are no longer following
test message