Has The New iPad Touched Your gSpot?

Posted on by Matthew Byrne (mwbyrne)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/1pl0
Well, the new iPad has been out for more than a week. I'm sure I've seen most of you while we were standing in line outside the Apple store. The wait is finally over, and we now have the time every few years that I have dubbed "Applereleaseukah." It is that special time when Apple throws back the curtain to reveal not a shriveled old wizard, but a marvelous new technology that we can take home and introduce to the family...of other Apple products. It is a glorious occasion, celebrated for generations (at least one) by song and dance and blogging. Oh the furious blogging. It is better than Christmas, New Years, Wrestlemania, and Arbor Memorial Day all rolled in to one.

So now that we have our iPad 2, we can commence with the best part of Applereleaseukah: The Bitch Fest.

This cat is celebrating Applereleaseukah

First off, what the hell is this Smart Cover flap for the iPad, this pathetic foreskin of a covering that attaches magnetically to my device? I've already lost it and I didn't even take it out of the box. Why does it only come in Leather and Polyurethane? So now I have to choose whether I kill a cow directly or by poisoning the air and water with whatever vicious production process goes into making this unsightly pendulosity? Would it kill them to make one in hemp?

And it is supposed to be a stand for the iPad as well? Ha! I can feel the spineless little accoutrement threatening to give way even as I type this. I am a man, Apple, with man-sized fingers made hearty from splitting logs and beckoning young women hither. I need a far more ample support structure than this. I need the goddamn undercarriage from a 1985 Buick Toronado, so tell your design team to put something together toot sweet or my business will henceforth be going to someone that can accommodate the unstemmed tide of my machisimo.

I also want to know, where is my USB drive? I know you claimed that the product wouldn't carry it, but I thought you were just joshing, Mr. Jobs. I didn't suppose in a million years you would actually release a device that didn't have it. What era are we living in, 2007? No, Justin Timberlake is not in the charts and no one even remembers No Country for Old Men, so how about you get with the times.

I know I complained about how thick the first iPad was, but this is too thin. This anorexic little thing is pathetic. My friend Ethan has a Wind Pad and it makes my iPad 2 look like it has been up all night on a meth binge. This is unacceptable. It should come with a case to beef it up so that we can change the heft depending on our needs. At pilates I want it slim and fit, but for long nights at the martini bar I need it looking rough and ready in case someone challenges me to a game of Angry Birds. Everyone knows women equate virility to the size of your tablet, and this makes me look like I'm packing a Vienna sausage, man. You are straight up Pad-blocking me.

The addition of the camera is OK, except you did the same thing with the iPad that you did with the iPhone. Why the backwards-facing camera? Why? Do you know how many people don't know how to disable that? I skyped my boss this morning to tell him I was going to be sick, and I was not prepared for the state of undress in which he answered the computer. It was also difficult to explain why I had a beer in my hand at 8:30 in the morning. Thanks, Apple. I hope you're hiring.

You so pretty, why you make me hit you?

Oh, and speaking of Angry Birds, you still refuse to give me Flash? Is'um wittle Stevie scared of a wittle proprietary software on hissum special tablet? Well suck it up, Stevie boy, I want to play Farmville and I want to play it now. Radishes do not harvest themselves, and it isn't like I have the time to reach over and pull out my MacBook Air to remedy this.

Look, Apple, I appreciate what you do. It's cute, with the lower case "i" and all that. I'm glad you didn't get retro with the iPad 2 and make it look like a goddamn gumdrop, but this is barely passable. If you are going to corner the market with your powerful processors, outstanding display, and unchanged price tag, consumers expect a little more. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna finish this up so I can get the hell out of the Genius Bar and get my sweet sweet ass to a Starbucks, where I may or may not toy with the idea of growing my sideburns to even more epic hipster proportions.

Are you an Apple Lover?

1315 views & 12 votes

Debate It! 1

Love it like crack. And I love that it was nudie boss, not nudie you

Posted By Karla,

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