Glenn Beck Wants You to Get 50% Off Your Next Bikini Waxing

Posted on by Jeremy Clymer (jclymer)
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If you're anything like me, you stopped checking Groupon's daily deals after the twentieth or so offer for 50% off a tooth whitening or hair styling. Ditto for Living Social, which has tried very hard to be the Pepsi to Groupon's Coca-Cola. Oh sure, you were tempted by the discount on a skydiving session that one time, but then you remembered you're afraid of heights. So, you unsubscribed from their mailing list and haven't given it a second thought since then. Well, Glenn Beck aims to change all that by providing the exact same service as those other sites.

You might expect that Glenn Beck's involvement would ratchet up the crazy factor of this new Groupon clone by a notch or two, but so far it looks even more boring than its predecessors. I can't help but think they are missing a prime opportunity to gain page views by accompanying each sale with one of Beck's trademark long-winded, paranoia-fueled rants about socialist-feminist-jihadist plots to create a one-world government by fomenting democratic revolutions. Here's an example of the kind of copy they should be writing for this site:

Asian Gardens Massage

photo by Marcin Bober

The godless communists would have you believe that you don't deserve a therapeutic deep tissue massage, that it is needlessly decadent and bourgeois. In Comrade Obama's America, we would toil thanklessly ten hours a day in windowless factories, making cardboard boxes that would be used to ship copies of Marx's Das Kapital to first grade classrooms in order to brainwash our innocent children. Fight back against this Nazi fascist oppression by getting half-off an hour-long session at Asian Gardens Massage on Division Street downtown. You'll be so relaxed afterward that you'll temporarily forget all your worries, which should mainly revolve around the fact that feminists are plotting to synthesize sperm so they can kill all men and used our bodies as fuel for their propaganda factories. Limit 2 per customer.

With copy like that, would be the belle of the Tea Party ball. Once it is firmly entrenched in the web browser bookmarks of every God-fearing American, it could be used to cross-promote Beck's other money-making endeavors, such as Beck University and any one of his numerous literary endeavors. Beck is nothing if not a shrewd businessman (and megalomaniacal crackpot), so it's just surprising that he has yet to tap the true potential of this, the most tepid and uninteresting endeavor he has undertaken to date.

Where would you rather find your deals?

2281 views & 7 votes

Debate It! 1

we do need stuff like this

Posted By dylancayleb,

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