So some asshole told some other gullible assholes that the world was going to end on May 21st, and now? Now there's a panic. It's not that I'm buying the whole end of days, Jesus-is-coming-after-all-the-earthquakes crap, but it gets a girl to thinking. Am I prepared if it all really does go down? Are my survival techniques keen enough to survive floods, zombies, and Jesus? The answer: Hell yeah.

We non-believers aren't overly concerned, but if the shit hits the fan at least I can tell Jesus that I tried to help billions of people survive. So maybe this is my one and only way to repent. Or it could be that I really like making fun of religious dumbasses that are truly prepping for the end of days. Either way, here's a list to help, hinder, or at the very least make you laugh while you're walking through those flaming gates or getting beaten to death by looters.

10. A Bible

So maybe you don't believe in all of this ridiculous end of the world nonsense right now, but after two weeks with no shower, you may be converted. So why not be prepared? If these loons are right and all the non-believers are going to suffer but have the chance to make amends when JC roles into town on October 21st, you should play the game, people. Just fake it. That mofo is going to have way too many people begging to go through each and every one with a fine-toothed spiritual comb. Holding a Bible may get you moved to the front of that stinky, pathetic line of sinners. You know, just in case.

9. A Huge Stash of Batteries and Gas

I'm not talking about a couple packs of AAA batteries you can put into your remote. Let's think bigger, friends. Go around the deserted neighborhoods and get you some kick-ass car batteries. Also, get extra phone batteries and computer batteries (see #3); charge those bastards up and stick them in your garage or closets. Do the same with gas; it's going to be out in like a week, so stock up now and at least you can drive around to find more food or loot in more towns. Batteries and gas are wicked imperative because they'll be like cigarettes in prison.

8. Porn

There will be no Internet, friends. Download it onto your phone or notebook now. Seriously, there won't be an Internet. And maybe it's just me, but if I don't get my daily porn fix, I go berserk. You won't have anything to do all day but kick looters' asses and hang out inside. The most productive thing I can think to pass the next 6 months is a nice good "sesh" with some solid naked peeps getting busy. There's absolutely nothing wrong with some self-love. Plus, all those uptight assholes will already be dead or in heaven so no judgment.

7. Leather Wear

I blame the movies Escape From New York and Mad Max for this entry, but it appears from most every end of days movie that post-apocalyptic people enjoy leather. To me it looks hot and sticky (Ross from Friends, leather pants episode. Google it!), but maybe it's more versatile and comfy than I think. I guess it is harder to rip and I suppose it will keep you warm at night. Plus, the ladies do look sexy in leather pants. Get to your local leathery and buy yourself a good, hardcore, ass-kickin' (maybe zombie ass-kickin') outfit fit for any fashionable post-apocalyptic party.

6. A Chubby Friend

It's not that you'll need a friend for these 6 months of terror (see #5), but you will need a possible food source -- soccer-team-in-the-Andes style. Don't get all grossed out. This is the end of the world, kids. You need a back-up plan to feed yourself. You don't want to starve before you're forgiven, do you? Just lure chubs over with the promise of Smashburger and video games and lock that fat bastard in your closet. Make sure it's a sturdy door because some of those biggies are strong as hell. Deadbolt it and wait out the noise 'til he or she (no sexism here!) kicks the bucket, and voila! Food for a couple of months. (Footnote: if this plan is going to work you will need a cool place to store fats, so make sure you have a back-up generator or, better yet, a food dehydrator.) Make sure you have a chainsaw handy because it takes a lot of power to cut through bone.

5. A Dog

Dogs are not only loyal, good company, but they will protect you 'til their dying breath. This one is especially good when that funky virus strain gets out and people turn into zombies. We know Jesus is coming in October, but if those flesh-eaters come first, you are gonna need a devoted look-out who doesn't eat much or whine that their feet hurt. Plus, they will make another good source of last-resort grub...but eat the dehydrated fatty first.

4. A Storage Shed

You're going to need a place to not only store all the amazing crap you took from those bastards that went to heaven in May, but also a place to secure yourself when things start to get really bad. If you invest in a good unit, the metal door and concrete walls pretty much guarantee that nobody is getting in. It may be damp, dark, and cold for a while, but you can cozy it up with other people's belongings. Our suggestion is to hit the good neighborhoods on May 22nd. Everyone will be way too busy freaking out to think about a brand new leather sectional.

3. Water Purification Pills

Although I like to believe I can live on Diet Cherry Coke and vodka, apparently human beings must also have water. And since the world will be ending by form of earthquake and then a possible tsunami, we will have plenty of it but none pure enough to drink, so grab a crapload of these now. Just think about how thirsty you get at 6am after an all-nighter. Yup, water purification tablets are a must.

2. Knowledge of Making Beer and Gunpowder

Gunpowder seems dangerous to me, but all the movies make it look insanely simple. (It's all bat guano, right?) And if you were smart enough to loot a gun store and get a lifetime supply of bullets that's great, but if a gang of looters comes calling or, God forbid, zombies, your ammo is going to run out quick. The beer? It just seems like a lovely hobby to get into during the end times. You can learn both of these in quick, simple lessons on YouTube. Seriously. Plus, if you survive, you can help rebuild the human race. If not, then hell, you went out with beer and gunpowder.

1. A Crowbar

Anyone who's played Half-Life understands its necessity. This is the final-days weapon, after you've had enough and just wanna bash shit in (heads, doors, whatever) with nothing but muscle and titanium. Here's the thing: aside from its many uses both violent and utilitarian, a crowbar won't ever let you down. Pistols need ammo, chainsaws run out of gas, bats get broken. A crowbar will still be here on earth centuries after you've finally given way to radiation, the water shortage, Jesus Christ, or whoever finally does us all in.

Is there actually anything to be worried about?