Cap'n Crunch is Lost at Sea

Posted on by Evan Morris (ev.morris28)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/1j0e
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After 48 years at sea, and as the mascot for one of the most popular cereal franchises, Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch woke up to red skies the other morning as news of attacks from "health pirates" rang out across the nation. Apparently, the Cap'n has been riding from port to port on a sugar wave that many feel is no longer acceptable for children. According to an article from Life Inc., the cereal is no longer being actively marketed by Quaker and its parent company PepsiCo due to its high sugar content. The article goes on to say that pressure from the White House and other health activists have affected how food companies sell their products to the little ones. Some children are more upset than others and are letting their feelings be heard:


Let's take a minute to examine how selling cereal to children works:

1. Children love sugar, so companies put lots of sugar in cereal for the kiddos (85% more than adult cereals)
2. Children love fun cartoon mascots, like an old sea captain (who was probably really cool 48 years ago)

If a cereal company can't market sugar to children in this country anymore, what are we really fighting for? Seems like with the level of obesity in this country and the current focus on raising a healthier generation, a trend is emerging with companies making a shift towards healthier products. That certainly isn't a bad thing, but I do have some problems with putting the focus and responsibility squarely on the companies or manufacturers of our food. I joked about a similar situation last week involving McDonald's "termination" of Ronald McDonald, but I think I might need to take a more serious approach before this gets out of hand.

I'm 28 years old, meaning I grew up in the 80's and 90's during a time when one might say that fast food restaurants and sugary goodness ran wild in the hearts and minds of children. I ate multiple cereal brands, fast food, and snacks galore, but my parents also didn't let me sit in front of the TV or computer all day. I had to go outside and run around or ride my bike, or go to the pool. As such, I had a pretty active childhood, and the sugar intake was canceled out by good old fashioned exercise. Now, my mother will kill me if I don't mention that she made home cooked healthy meals on a regular basis and I didn't eat out every night, but I'm trying to make a point. That point is...don't blame the Cap'n and his sugary friends if your kid never gets up and does anything. Take some responsibility and go do something active with your children instead of just hoping a healthier option for cereal comes along.

Also, if that doesn't work and you still think Cap'n Crunch or other cereals are bad for your kids...DO NOT BUY THEM. Last time I checked this was America, and no one is making you buy specific brands of cereal. I know that these types of products are marketed towards kids and they ask for it all the time, but be a parent and handle it. Do you know what my mother would say to me if I asked for something that she thought wasn't good for me? She'd say no.

Ok, seriousness over. In my extensive research for this piece, I have learned that despite the news from many sources, one old sailor refuses to go gentle into that good night. The slippery veteran of the sea has gone to the viral waves with a new website packed with health tips and family activities, along with new Twitter and Facebook accounts. As you can see, the Cap'n wanted to let his fans know that he has no intentions of walking the plank anytime soon.


I think this is a good move by the marketing team over at PepsiCo or Quaker for turning this into a positive situation and using some new technology and social media for brand reinforcement. This got me thinking that maybe what the Captain needs after this is a promotion or sidekick, so I've put together a few of my own ideas that might be useful.

Cap'n and Master Chief




If the Cap'n is going to have a sidekick, it needs to be the highest enlisted rate in the U.S. Navy. Also, it doesn't hurt if he is a cybernetically enhanced supersoldier. A new space adventure might be just want the Cap'n needs to re-establish his dominance in the cereal world!

Cap'n Crunch and Captain Jack Sparrow




Two captains, one boat could get a little tricky, but nobody gets out of trouble like Sparrow. This might come in handy given Crunch's tendency to get himself into a jam every time he stops in a town. From a business standpoint, a little cross promotion or product placement in the upcoming pirates movie would go a long way.

Cap'n and Seal Team 3




Because maybe The Cap'n just doesn't have time for your bulls#@t.

Fleet Admiral Crunch




I think 48 years of service deserves the highest possible rank in the U.S. Navy, and will hopefully give the man some much needed respect.

Should the Cap'n retire?

8019 views & 19 votes

Debate It! 4

Noooooooo!!!!!!

Posted By Brash Equilibrium,

Brash, I tried to find a picture of the Cap'n crossing his legs in a manly fashion, but seems like all his photos are waist high.

Posted By ev.morris28,

You'd think the bigger concern is that Cap'n Crunch rips the hell out of the roof of your mouth.

Posted By Rebecca,

"...the cereal is no longer being actively marketed by Quaker and its parent company PepsiCo due to its high sugar content" That statement got an actual audible "Ha!" out of me. After all, if high sugar content was a real concern for Pepsi they'd be totally f'ed.

Posted By Cobanerd,

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