Have you checked your list of friends on Facebook lately? If you haven't, don't worry! I know exactly who you're friends with because everyone knows the same nine losers that I've outlined below. Once you're done reading this, you're going to have the overwhelming urge to delete these folks from your list of friends. All I ask is that, before you delete them, you write something like, "Hey look! Someone wrote an article about you" and point them over here.

1. The Guy You Met Once... Maybe

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Hey bro! Remember that one time we did that thing together a couple years ago? Yeah, that was so awesome. We should chill again soon, right? I mean, we were practically best friends back then and now I never see you. By the way, check out my pictures from my trip to Asia. Doesn't the back of my head look sick? I bet you wish you could remember who I am. Good luck, sucker!

Photos: 495 (but none of my face)
Friends: 783 (all of whom are just as confused as you are)
College: Yours (maybe)
Favorite Movie: Catch Me If You Can

2. The Oversharer

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check out this sick meal I just ate. You ever seen steak and potatoes before? Not like this you haven't. Hold on, I'm about to go downstairs to get some water. Wow! That was awesome. Check out this glass of water I just got. You ever seen water in a glass before? Not like this you haven't. Hold on, I'm about to go...

Photos: 1,859 (all of food, drinks or random locations)
Relationship Status: Single (Who has time for that?)
People Who Inspire You: Ashton Kutcher
Favourite Quotations: "Hold up! Let me get a picture of this."

3. The Hipster

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I just found this crazy talented underground band. You think your favourite band is underground? This band makes your band seem so above-ground it's not even funny! I mean, literally no one has ever heard of this band before. They just uploaded their first song on MySpace. Guess who the first one to play it was. Go on, guess. I'll give you a hint: me!

Status: Britney Spears? Lady Gaga? HAH! Try listening to some real music, losers.
Music: Why bother? You've never heard of it anyway.
People Who Inspire You: You've never heard of him.
Movies: Yeah, like you've seen them.

4. The John Mayer

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Look, I like you a lot, but we've been Facebook official for a whole week. Sometimes relationships just don't work out, you know? You'll always be my favourite March 2011 girlfriend. Well, probably. We took a lot of great profile pictures together though, right? And we definitely annoyed all of our friends with our super romantic status updates and wall posts. We had a good run, babe.

Friends: 948 (50% ex-girlfriends)
Photos: 639 (all couple shots)
Relationship Status: Single (until tomorrow)
Movie: The Notebook

5. The Lindsay Lohan

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I swear I didn't mean to hit that kid with my car, Officer. He came out of nowhere. This is clearly a case for child services. His parents are not teaching him about traffic safety. No, Officer, I don't think I can step out of the vehicle. Hold on, do you have a bucket? I'm sorry, can you define "alcoholic"? I mean, just for clarification. Wait, does your cruiser get Wi-Fi? I need to write a status about this.

Friends: 2,394 (everyone loves a train wreck)
Photos: 432 (mostly of alcohol bottles)
Movie: Mean Girls
People Who Inspire You: Charlie Sheen

6. The Bro Brah

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Hey broski! Man, is this football game awesome or what? Did you see that last tackle? That guy was pulverized. I'm surprised he can even walk. Want to grab a beer after this game? Actually, maybe we should hit the gym. I haven't benched anything in hours. Oh, hold up, a baby lamb is lost and needs my help. Done! So, gym or beer? Impossible! How did someone beat my score on Robot Unicorn Attack?!

Friends: Way more than you, loser!
Interests: Sports, Beer, Lifting
Movies: Death Race, Saw, Rambo, Die Hard
Games: FarmVille, Robot Unicorn Attack, Happy Pets

7. Your Mom

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Look, honey, Mommy is on the Facebook. I called the guy from Comcast and he helped me set it up. What a nice young man he was to help me with this. Anyway, I have uploaded some very cute pictures of you from when you were little. I also saw some of your friends on my page, so I added them as friends. Love you! Wait. How do I fax this to your Google?

Friends: 45 (75% your friends)
Photos: 231 (100% baby photos of you)
Status: How was your day today, honey?
E-mail: whatdoesemailmean@comcast.net

8. Mrs. Popularity

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Facebook says I'm too popular to add more friends. How can I help it if almost everyone I meet loves me? I am not to blame here. So what if I like to go out with 500 of my closest friends on Friday nights? Who are they to judge me, you know? I don't know, I just think jealousy is a bad look for Mark Zuckerberg.

Friends: 4,999
Photos: 1,999 (all massive group shots)
Status: "Like this if you like me!"
Favourite Quotations: "Like, omg!"

9. The Gossip Girl

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Hey you! Yeah, you. See the girl on the right in my profile picture? Yeah, you want to know a secret about her? What about the guy in the orange shirt? I know literally everything there is to know about these people. I talk about them all the time, but they're still friends with me. That's weird, right? I guess they wouldn't know what to do without me!

Friends: 1,493 (inexplicably)
Favourite Quotations: "You know you love me!"
Status: "Ohmigod you guys, drama bomb! PM me for deets."
Television: Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl

Is everyone on Facebook a loser?