7 Things Obama Must Do to Prove He is a Real American

Posted on by Jesse Ogden (jogden)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/53cn
It's no secret around here that I subscribe to a belief about the current "president" that the Lamestream Media calls "bugfuck crazy." What do I believe, you may ask? Unlike my birther brethren, I subscribe to the theory that one Barack Hussein Mohammad Malcolm X Soetoro Obama II was never actually born. The liberal media likes to call us "unbirthers."
But now, Mr. Obama has finally released his birth certificate (upon the urging of American Hero Donald Trump) to put matters of his American birth and natural born killercitizenship to rest. Fine, Mr. "Obama," maybe you were born in Hawaii. (Maybe.) But that doesn't absolve you just yet. You still have a long ways to go before you can prove that you're not only American...but a Real American®!

So before we let you off the hook with your clever ploy of releasing a birth certificate that simply looks too good to be true, I feel you have some questions you still need to answer for us.

1. Release Your College Records

What did you do in college, Mr. Obama? What kind of dope-smoking, cocaine-snorting, Chomsky-reading, protesting-because-you-think-it-will-help-you-pick-up-girls, bisexual-until-graduation, granola-toking, ultimate-frisbee-throwing, i-can't-believe-i-used-to-listen-to-jam-bands college record are you hiding? Are you afraid to admit that you binge-drank through all of your classes and then asked your professors for an extension by lying about a relative who died (just like every other college student)?
Inquiring minds want to know.

Oh sweet Jesus, he wasn't a hipster, was he?

No one remembers you. Except for this guy, this guy, and this girl. Do you honestly expect us to think that you just kept to yourself? Do you honestly expect us to believe you actually earned that spot on the Harvard Law Review? There are questions unanswered here, Mr. "President."

2. Release Your Elementary School Records

While we're on the subject of education, Mr. Obama, I think we need to examine the very real issue of your childhood and elementary school records. I want to know what was going on in those schools. I want to know if you actually did spend some time in American schools in America. What were you up to in kindergarten?

The boy who would be like 10 Hitlers put together

I need to know what colors you used in fingerpainting class. Was it RED, the color of communism? Or maybe you were just another PINKo kindergartener. My greatest fear is that it was GREEN (the color of Mooselims).

And then there's that time you spent in an Indonesian madrasah. Look, the only way you're going to learn about Obama's childhood and the time you spent in that madrasah being personally tutored by Osama bin Laden is if you released your entire permanent record. Release the personal record, Barry!

3. Release Your Passport and Travel Records

I gotta know what other countries you've been to. It's common knowledge that you went to Pakistan at a time when Americans were banned from visiting. I gotta know what other Muslim countries you've been to. Your father was a Muslim (doesn't matter if he was an atheist, it's like being a Crip or Blood; you never go back on that), so Barack 2 must be a Muslim as well by Islamic doctrine. And since Islamic law trumps American law and values, whatever you have chosen for yourself now (or claim to have chosen for yourself) doesn't matter. You're still a Muslim. Once a Muslim, always a Muslim.

It begs the question of just where else you've traveled. So just how many other Muslim countries have you been in? Who were your friends? Who did you party with? Who did you pray five times a day to Mecca with? I happen to have here in my hand a list of 205 known communists a photograph from your traveling days, when you visited Iran in the midst of the '79 Revolution.

If only Zombie Reagan were here to stop him again

Surrender your passport Barry. Show us what you're hiding.

4. Reveal Your Marriage Records Unto Us

Call me a kook, but I'm a bit skeptical about your marriage. You may be clean-shaven, but I'm pretty sure you've got a beard. And that beard's name is Michelle (Obama).

I'm not saying our "president" is gay. I'm merely implying, Mr. Obama, that you enjoy the company of men in a way that heterosexual men typically don't. There's a history of it in the Democratic Party, after all.

5. Prove You're Not a Terrorist

Watch me blow your mind all in one go. On one hand, you have Truthers who believe the government was behind the 9/11 attacks. On the other you have birthers who know that Obama is a Kenyan-Indonesian-British citizen. I'm going to bring us all together now.

What if Barack Obama was behind 9/11?

I'm not saying he planned it. I'm saying he was a part of it. Do you know where he was on that day? I rest my case. So where were you on September 11th, 2001, Mr. Obama? Prove to us you weren't involved. He's already BFFs with a terrorist.

In hindsight, Obama didn't really love Ayers. They were just friends.

Prove to us you're not one yourself.

6. Show Us Definitive Proof You're Not a Reptilian Shape-Shifting Alien

Forget the possibility that he's a Kenyan. Forget that he might be a communist. Forget that he's anything else. If he's not an American citizen, that's bad. But if he's not even a mammalian human being, that's probably worse.

You see, most presidents are shape-shifting lizard aliens. It's common knowledge that most of the presidents have been related to each other.

Except for James Buchanan, God rest his soul.

Even Obama is related to them (and he's a black man). And since most of those presidents have been shape-shifting reptoids, it stands to reason...


Uh, Mr. President, sir? If you don't mind, could you show us you're not reptilian, if that's okay (oh god please don't eat me). If you're really a lizard alien, I think that disqualifies you to be president.

And finally, the real test of the Real American®...

7. Prove That You're White

We all know that you're black, and yet you claim to also be part white. How do we know that this so-called family of yours wasn't just an elaborate ruse?

We all know that you were only elected because you were half-white. Now prove it. How? It's very easy.

Just act Republican.

Is Barack Obama a Real American?

4394 views & 15 votes

Debate It! 5

Hahahaha, I don't know if even this would be enough.

Posted By lockheed40,


Posted By Daviddbqwerty,

When I wrote this, Osama bin Laden was still alive. Now that he's dead, I guess Obama made this article null and void. It's like he knew I was writing it. WELL PLAYED MR. OBAMA. WELL PLAYED INDEED.

Posted By jogden,

Jogden, you have succeeded in writing the best and most offensive ToT yet.

Posted By Brash Equilibrium,

sure he's American.

Posted By dylancayleb,

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