7 Reasons Why Aliens Are More Dangerous Than ZombiesPosted on by Nate C. (Nate)
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The zombie obsession sweeping the nation makes me sad and frightened for the future of mankind. Our preoccupation with zombies has taken our eyes off the real enemy: aliens. Aliens are far more dangerous and require much more preparation to defeat. If you don't believe me, please read the following list. If, at the end, you still don't believe me, then may God have mercy on your alien-probed soul.
1. I'm Sorry, But Zombies Aren't Real
Has anyone ever actually seen a zombie? I'm talking about a real zombie. Not the girls at a Justin Bieber concert or people walking around staring at their cell phones texting their fake friends. But a good old American, flesh-eating zombie. Because from ancient times to the the present, people have been encountering aliens.
Aliens? Yes. Zombies? Not so much. (Photo by revger)
Admittedly, there are some Bible verses that seem to speak of zombies here, here, and here. But these passages are open to various interpretations at best, unlike the verses that clearly refer to wars against aliens, selling unclean meat to aliens, and alien mortgage companies.
Nevertheless, I realize that doubting the existence of zombies may come as blasphemy to some people, so I will proceed under the assumption that the threat of a zombie uprising is legitimate.
2. Aliens Can Blow Stuff Up
Totally accurate artist's depiction of an alien invasion
Much of zombie survival seems to consist of hiding. There's no hiding from aliens. Your cleverly constructed underground bunker filled with chainsaws, chainsaw sharpening equipment, and Spam (of the canned meat variety as opposed to the penis enlarging kind) won't withstand a concentrated photon blast from an alien space cannon. Aliens routinely blow up animals, farmhouses, national monuments, and yes, even planets. Zombies can do no such thing. The only thing that blows up with zombies is their heads when you shoot them.
3. Zombies Don't Have Spaceships
Or any other kind of vehicles, for that matter. No shuttle crafts, no hover boards, no boats, no space tractors. The point is, get in a school bus or onto an island and you're probably safe. Aliens can chase you anywhere, even into space. Even through a wormhole into another dimension. You're lucky if you can find a zombie that can open a door.
4. Aliens are Harder to Kill
Try killing this with a baseball bat. (Photo by Markusram)
Have you ever seen Predator? Alien? Starship Troopers? It took a whole movie to kill each one of those aliens. A shotgun blast to the head seems to do pretty well for a zombie. Zombies don't have armor, they don't have phasers, they don't even really have a functioning brain. If the zombie war comes, I guarantee you won't see any complicated tactical zombie maneuvers. They just run at you screaming while you try to blast as many of them as you can.
5. Zombie Uprisings are More Gradual
(Photo by wazuluwazu)
It usually starts with a few infected people in one area before it spreads throughout Earth. If we're smart, at the first sign of zombie infection, there should be plenty of time to quarantine and/or blow up the town.
Aliens, on the other hand, come like a thief in the night. If you're not prepared, it will be too late to do anything but cry. And think to yourself, "I guess instead of spending my time shopping at Abercrombie and watching Jersey Shore, I should have been stealing mannequins and practicing my machete skills." And cry.
6. Aliens are Harder to Distract
Chocolate cake: the silent killer
Aliens are usually after something very specific: a new planet, resources, host bodies to implant their eggs in, etc. Single-minded in purpose, they won't stop until they've achieved their goal.
Zombies are just hungry. As long as you can run faster than that dude with crutches, or maybe toss a pork chop or kitten over your shoulder, you should be fine.
7. Zombies Just Kill You
Whether it's being trapped in a sick amalgam of human victims writhing together in a symbiotic relationship with their host, enslavement (and ultimately forced human-alien hybrid breeding), or just a good old-fashioned probing, aliens seem to be in it to make you suffer.
This or That may or may not employ children as illustrators
While I'm sure having your face eaten off is not too pleasant, the worst a zombie can ultimately do is kill you. And they may not even kill you. You may just get bitten, and then you get to become a zombie. No more homework, no more paying taxes, no more flossing. Just running around eating brains all day. And at night, you just nestle into your cave or dumpster and dream about the next day when you'll be running around and eating brains again. (Hey, that kind of sounds like my Uncle George, except replace 'eating brains' with 'smoking weed'.)
The downside to my argument is that this will require some real preparation, not just completing Facebook quizzes or buying the latest redundant zombie book from Barnes & Noble. We'll need a real commitment from our leaders. I suggest shifting the ONE Campaign from a focus on poverty and disease to a focus on alien war prep. This should include military training and a comprehensive propaganda campaign starting from birth.
The upside is if the zombie invasion comes first, we'll be well prepared for anything they can throw at us. We may even learn to subjugate them and use them against our enemies. Just imagine the look on the alien fighters' faces when they land here, only to be greeted by an army of zombies, angry and hungry for E.T. flesh.