A few months ago, NewSouth Books announced that they would publish a new edition of Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn, in which the N-word was replaced by "slave." The move prompted an exasperated editorial by our own Rebecca Kelley. Guess what? The publishing world is at it again. Only this time, the N-word will be replaced by...

...robots.

That's right. Robots. Why robots? Why the hell not? As the editors themselves admit, robots are so hot right now. I mean, the most recent robot-related movie made 30 times more cash than the most recent Huckleberry Finn movie! More importantly, the Kickstarter fundraising page for the project has raised five times as much money as the editors intended. Seriously, they raised over $30,000. As someone who will soon launch a Kickstarter page for his own project, all I can say is I'm gonna find a way to incorporate robots into my proposal.


But why stop with robots? I think these people are onto something. Why don't we roll out an endless series of Huckleberry Finn editions, each replacing the N-word with a different one of equivalent awesomeness to "robot"?

The next edition is obvious:

dinosaur.

The editors of the "robot" edition would contend that dinosaur doesn't fit with the message they're trying to convey. See, in science fiction, the word "robot" is associated (like slave) with involuntary servitude. In answer, I point out that there is a blog out there entitled Dinosaur Slave Lawn Ornaments (I also point out that is one of the most offensive blog titles I've yet encountered, and I am a sick $#%&. Also, I should note--for people offended by the present article--that its whole point is to satirize the injustice that NewSouth Books' edition is doing to a book that, in part, is a critique of racial prejudice. (So get over yourself, you self-righteous prig). Also, my daughter loves dinosaurs, and I want her to read Huck Finn early.


From robot and dinosaur, we should logically extend our Huckleberry Finn library to include...

...dinosaur robots.

Okay, class, observe the inequality below:


It's sort of like how hard-boiled eggs are pretty good, and sausage is #$@!ing awesome, and so are deep-fried things, but when you put them together, you get a Scotch egg, which is hands down the tastiest way to trigger a coronary and die. Don't believe me about the dinosaur robots? Well get a load of this.


With regard to how awesome the picture above is, I rest my case. (No, it doesn't matter that they are dinosaurs equipped with tech armor and laser beams, not dinosaur robots.)

I think it's time we got back to heart of the issue. The N-word is a racial epithet. But, like our Kickstarter-funded editors, we want an epithet that will reap the revenue. What recent children's story has made a boatload of cash?

Oh, my god, I got it:

mudblood

Now, all we need to do is change the title to Huckleberry Potter and get J.K. Rowling on board.


And while we're expanding our readers' market, have you noticed that most of these suggestions are either boyish or gender neutral? It's time we exploited the gender stereotypes that keep toy companies in business. It's time we replaced the N-word with...

...unicorn.

Get a load of this passage from the book of Job (39:9-12):

"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him? Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn? [my emphasis]"

That verse suggests two things: (1) The Bible reads like The Last Unicorn in parts; and (2) unicorns could be your servant. The next logical step, just trust me here, is that unicorns are slaves. Here is further suggestion to that effect:


We should also cater to a market that fashions themselves as oppressed and downtrodden (when they are really trust fund dependent and pretentious). Of course, I'm talking about...

...hipsters.

There's no question about it. People hate hipsters (here is a particularly extreme example of hipster hatred). Their hatred is entirely different (and infinitely more understandable) than the hatred some light-skinned racists bear for all dark-skinned humans. Once hipsters organize themselves and begin marching for recognition, "hipster" will become a stigmatized epithet. That means it will be time to use it in place of the N-word in Huck Finn, and replace it with something else to ignite yet more controversy.

Anyway, you must know by now I was going to do this:

hipster unicorns.

Someone has purchased the domain hipsterunicorn.com. This is what you'll find there.


The picture above motivates the following system of inequalities:


Okay, enough from me. It's your turn. Down what mucky path shall we travel next in brainstorming words to replace the N-word in Huck Finn?