6 Utterly Mundane WikiLeaks

Posted on by Benjamin Chabot-Hanowell (Brash Equilibrium)
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The controversy surrounding WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange's arrest resurfaced in the mainstream media as his lawyers recently argued against his extradition to Sweden. With all the kerfuffle about the man, it is easy to miss the latest intelligence that his controversial leaks site releases. This is especially true for the WikiLeaks we cover below, which are, putting it mildly, mundane. Quite bluntly, they might lull you to sleep. Read them anyway to be part of the information revolution. Besides, who knows what sensational diamonds lie in the hum drum rough?


6. Obama Doesn't Floss Every Day

A transcript of telephone correspondence, leaked by an unidentified source, reveals that the 5th assistant to ex White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who was in charge of purchasing the President's toiletries, was concerned about the long shelf life of Mr. Obama's dental floss.

"I just don't think he's flossing everyday," the former White House staffer related in the phone conversation.

"Can we really afford the backlash about Barry's dental hygiene? I mean, we're already going to lose the House," replied an unknown male who sounded strikingly like Obama's former Chief staffer. Analysts have since suggested this comment played a unique role in Mr. Emanuel's departure from the White House.

Our forensic photography team peeled away layers of Photoshop magic from a recent photograph of Mr. Obama, revealing that red tape isn't the only thing he has to worry about in the nearly two years of legislation leading up to the 2012 election.



Racially charged Right-wing pundits have already entered the fray, comparing Mr. Obama to this man:

bleeding gums

"Is he really qualified to run this great country of ours," questioned a purple-faced Rush Limbaugh, "if he's just a two-bit, homeless saxophone player with a Faberge egg fetish who may have died 'round Springfield in 1995? I mean, it's almost like our fearless leader is some kind of cartoon!"

While we're still on the topic of our current President...


5. The Obamas Haven't Had Sex in 18 Months

An unidentified ex Secret Service Agent who was in charge of listening to Mr. Obama's heartbeat while he slept also had the good fortune of listening in on...other things that happened in the Obama bedroom.

"I mean no disrespect when I say the guy was a freaking machine," the man, now a security professional at a Motel 6 in Barstow, wrote in a heavily encrypted email sent directly to Julian Assange, "That is, until about 18 months ago. All activity just stopped. At first, I thought something was amiss, possibly a security breach. But I just think the poor guy didn't have it in him anymore once the rush of winning the presidency subsided."

The ex Secret Service professional went on to describe the First Lady's increasing annoyance with Mr. Obama's lack of resilience.

Not impressed.
Mrs. Obama, not looking very impressed, if even a bit miffed.

4. Princess Salma of Jordan: Bieber Fever Uncovered

With the recent rise of anti-autocratic protests in the Middle East, it is no wonder that Central Intelligence Agency field operatives were monitoring the stability of King Abdullah II's regime in Jordan. To prevent further unrest in his own country, where protests have begun in the wake of Egypt and Tunisia, the King removed his cabinet and installed a new prime minister, a move that scholarly experts have described as "kind of like offering a nasty, used Band Aid to someone you just lit on fire."

Jordanian protester
Jordanian protesters holding a sign that reads, "Dude, seriously? Exercising your monarchic
power is the opposite of what we're
asking you to do."

The real meat of the agents' reports, which were forwarded to WikiLeaks' highly secure inbox by an unnamed source, surrounds Princess Salma bint al-Abdullah, second daughter to the King. Princess Salma recently risked the security of the Jordanian government's computer network by trying to download pictures of shirtless young recording artist Justin Bieber, inadvertently installing a worm on servers located in Amman. The agents wrote in the latest report that King Abdullah grounded Princess Salma for a whole week. Our investigative reporting team is still trying to figure out why the individual who leaked the report has no name.

The report also includes correspondence regarding the CIA's long-term investigation into how King Abdullah, a self-professed Trekkie who once guest-starred in a 1996 episode of Star Trek: Voyager, could have landed this hottie:

Queen Rania, hottie
Queen Rania of Jordan

The report included a still-classified image of Abdullah in what may be a Jordanian prototype for advanced body armor technology:

Abdullah, 2nd most powerful dork in the world below Bill Gates.

The investigation abruptly ended when the field team received a wire from the Pentagon that read cryptically, "He's a King, you idiots."


3. The Coffee at Pyongyang's Advanced Nuclear Facility "Leaves Something to Be Desired"

North Korea recently allowed U.S. scientists to tour their nuclear facility, presumably to show off their boasted enrichment capabilities and thus terrify everybody. Emeritus Director of Los Alamos Laboratory Siegfried Hecker was, to put it mildly, totally freaked out by the thousands of centrifuges he saw installed and running in the plant. The scientists' account was the focus of media hub-bub, which obfuscated a secondary mission of the visit. According to a missive from an unknown NSA operative to WikiLeaks, Hecker and his associates were to assess the current state of coffee making in the Pyongyang facility. Hecker reported to his attache in the Pentagon that the North Korean brew "reminds of [him] when [he] was a bachelor and let it go through the grounds three, maybe four times," providing some hope that the Pyongyang facility's personnel are insufficiently caffeinated to ramp up production or go into a caffeine-fueled rage that provokes all-out nuclear war.

the great leader intensely inspecting some jugs
Kim Jong-il inspects milk for use in preparing cappuccinos at the Pyongyang facility.


2. Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak Smells Unusually Good for His Age

A female CIA operative approached WikiLeaks with the story of how she infiltrated Hosni Mubarak's inner circle as his mistress. In her encrypted emails to the nearest field office, which she had secretly copied to a biometrically secured external hard drive, the agent revealed a previously unknown fact about Egypt's all-but-ousted President.

"He may look as if he smells like cabbage and incontinence, but damned if the target doesn't smell absolutely delicious. God, is that cinnamon and vanilla, with notes of mahogany and cherry preserves? If I was complaining about this assignment before, I'm not complaining now."

hosni mubarak
Hosni Mubarak smells good.

For leaking the story, the unidentified operative was detained by military police once she returned to the States. She has been imprisoned with limited ability to exercise, use the internet, or read. Unlike her male WikiLeaking counterpart, Bradley Manning, the operative is happy to be cut off from the outside world, having escaped the awkward lovesick emails that Julian Assange kept sending her.


1. The U.S. and China are Playing a Dangerous Game...of 2d6 Dungeons and Dragons

The latest cables emerging from WikiLeaks reveal between the U.S. and China a secret game of cat and mouse, or rather Level 54 Human Paladin (Chaotic Neutral) and level 56 Orlff Illusionist (Lawful Good).

War room
Previously thought to be the top secret U.S. war room, the famous round table was really built to create ambiance for the U.S. and
China's latest instantiation of
the Descent into the Depths of Earth D&D module, which totally sux0rs anyway.

If you thought the latest talks on trade between the two superpowers were heavy handed, just wait until you read the six-month long argument between Chinese Ambassador Zhang Yesui and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton regarding Mrs. Clinton's allegedly stacked character sheet.

If any other utterly mundane WikiLeaks surface, you can be sure we will cover them here.

Is Julian Assange a hero of the information age or no?

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Debate It! 2

THIS JUST IN:

WikiLeaks has released the only photo available of the man who may be Game Master of the U.S./China D&D campaigns. He is known only as the Grand Master Crux Europa of an organization known as the Self-important, arrogant, masculine men who cross their legs Euro-style, or S-IAMMWCTLE-S. If you or anyone you know have information about this man, you are cooler than most.

Grand Master Crux Europa

Posted By Brash Equilibrium,

I Asange's defense, well, uhhhh, didn't he... oh wait he's the one...damn.......ugh

Posted By Mr.Truther,

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