We all know "that guy." The one who invites him (or, let's be fair, her) self to parties, and then proceeds to make the rest of the night thoroughly uncomfortable for everyone. Think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, but instead replace him with your own personal Sheldon, because everyone has one. We usually tolerate them because they are so completely clueless that it is kind of fascinating. Sometimes, they grow up to put on funny hats and call themselves "Master Pick-Up Artists"...


...but most often they can be left alone with their train sets and lasers, secretly plotting to destroy the world.

But what if you were "that guy" and you didn't even know it? The world is full of different personal and cultural norms, some of which are so ingrained into us that we can have a hard time figuring out why someone is making us uncomfortable. Luckily for you, we've compiled this handy list of what not to do, and why not to do it.

1. It's Rude to Stare...Or is It?

Cicero is quoted as saying "Ut imago est animi voltus sic indices oculi." To my knowledge, this is the first documented instance of the phrase "The eyes are the window to the soul," although directly translated it comes out more like "The face is a picture of the mind as the eyes are its interpreter." Them crazy Romans.

Since Cicero lived from 106 to 143 BC, it seems we've known for a while about how we communicate with our eyes. The study of eye-contact is called oculesics, for which we can thank the Romans and their pesky Latin again. The reason that these ideas have been around for so long is that eye-contact has a lot to do with sex, and we humans have been shagging each other for millions of years now. We subconsciously notice tiny physical changes, such as an increase in respiration rate, or pupil dilation.

Yep, the eyes are less of a window to the soul and more a direct hotline to your libido.


It's logical then that cultures with high ideals of modesty avoid maintaining direct eye-contact. However, in other parts of the world, looking someone straight in the eye is considered a mark of honesty as well as a way to show that you are paying attention.

NB: If you are planning to stare at people just to check if their pupils dilate when they look at you, be advised that you are heading for a punch in the mouth.

2. Hey Man, How's It Going?

It's good when people take an interest in you and how your life is going; your hopes, dreams, and innermost thoughts. Unfortunately, since everybody is extremely boring and self-absorbed (and if you're reading this thinking "Haha yes, everybody except me," then you are doubly guilty), the burden of this falls to family members and loved-ones, not random acquaintances you meet on the street. This leads to a baffling social phenomenon whereby we pretend to be interested in someone, and they pretend to be interested back, and both of you know that you are lying.

In linguistics, these are called Phatic Expressions, and it seems that their main function is to fulfill some sort of social protocol that we all unconsciously subscribe to. "Oh look, there you are. You exist, and so do I." Sometimes these exchanges don't even make any logical sense, as in: "Hey man, what's up?" "Good...yourself?"

Unfortunately, not everyone grasps the function of phatic expressions. This can lead to uncomfortable situations, like being trapped in the supermarket while someone you barely know but are socially required to acknowledge tells you all the details of their hernia operation. It can also lead to confusion, especially cross-culturally.

The Japanese have a variety of polite interjections, called aizuchi, which indicate that the speaker is following the conversation, but are often misinterpreted by Westerners as signs of vigorous agreement. So instead of "Yes, absolutely...I agree with everything you say," you get "I understand what you are saying, but am too polite to point out to you your glaring flaws in judgement."

Result?

3. But What Are You Really Saying?

Everyone who has ever been in a relationship has had some version of the following discussion:

Joe: "So you're sure it's okay for me to go out drinking with my friends even though I said I'd go with you to visit your mother?"
Jill: "It's fine."

Gah. When you read it, it all seems so innocuous. That's why I have provided you with a handy visual aid, in the form of this delightful photo:


As you can see, a lot of meaning in communication is derived from paralanguage: things such as tone of voice, facial expression and body posture. I hate to be all stereotypical and whatnot, but men seem to be particularly bad at this. Feel free to spam the comments section with your theories of why I am WRONG, but it has generally been my experience that men are more focused on what you are saying rather than how you are saying it. Is it unfair that Jill will probably rip Joe a new one when he gets back from drinking with his buddies? Possibly, but come on...these are clearly recognizable patterns of human behaviour, people!

Misinterpreting paralanguage can have consequences beyond not getting any for a couple of weeks while she chills the @$# out. Cultural standards of paralanguage differ widely, so it's totally possible to outright insult someone without saying anything at all. For example, it is considered exceedingly rude to have your foot pointing at someone's head in Thailand, since the Thais believe that the foot is the lowest part of the body and the head the highest. I mean spiritually, of course, as well as literally.

4. I Hun...ger for...Your Touch

It's all about the hugs these days, isn't it? People who you have never met before in your life straight-up hug you when you are introduced. It might just be me, but I find that somewhat creepy. And apparently I am not alone; there are whole message boards dedicated to the topic. These non-huggers illustrate one of the many awkwardnesses involved in haptic communication (communication through touch).

The uses of haptic communication have been categorised thusly:

1. Functional/professional
2. Social/polite
3. Friendship/warmth
4. Love/intimacy
5. Sexual/arousal

And it seems that confusion arises when people stray from the limits of these categories, or when one kind of touch is mistaken for another. These haptic miscommunications can lead to some serious lawsuits; so much so that some US schools have banned touching altogether.

Aside from the whole made-for-TV-movie sexual-harassment thing, there are also subtle (and not too subtle) cultural differences to contend with. The point being that if you come from somewhere with a high-touch culture, like Latin America, you could really freak out someone from England, for example, just with the kinds of touch that would for you be firmly in the second category of social or polite.

Even within countries, standards of haptic communication may vary. The map below was created by polling over 18,000 French people to determine the number of cheek kisses they used when greeting someone


Urgh. Wet wipes, please.

5. Don't Stand, Don't Stand...

...don't stand so close to meeee! Sorry, just having a Police moment there. Considering how much of their music seems to be about creepy stalkers and spousal abuse, it's actually fairly appropriate.

We're all familiar with the concept of "personal space," and most of us can intuitively judge when we're standing too close to someone in a given situation. The study of this phenomenon is known as proxemics, and it's all totally scientific and stuff. Except for the fact that different cultures, and even individuals, have different ideas of what constitutes as personal space violation.

The picture below gives an approximation of the average person's personal space needs:


Or, as Edward T. Hall, the anthropologist who coined the term puts it:

"Like gravity, the influence of two bodies on each other is inversely proportional not only to the square of their distance but possibly even the cube of the distance between them."

Indeed. Just what I was thinking (strokes imaginary beard gravely).

In the end, even Hall admits that it pretty much all comes down to context. I am of the opinion that if the attractive person that you are talking to at a bar is standing with their back pressed up against the wall and a desperate look in their eye, you've gone too far.


And if you're in a Japanese subway train being secretly fondled amongst the crush of humanity, you're probably in an anime of some kind.

How good are you at picking up unspoken signals?