Have you always wanted to be one of those lucky award winners on stage? Crying and thanking God and your parents and your publicist and whoever you're shacked up with at the moment? You and me both, pal. Thankfully, with the help of the interwebz, we can look back and draw certain conclusions based upon past winners which can help us in the quest to snag a golden statue of our own. Here are 5 surefire ways to win an Oscar. Study it, and when you win one of your own, don't forget to include me in your acceptance speech.

1. The "Heart of a Champion Award"

The blank look in his eyes makes me wonder if "Rain Man" was such a stretch after all...

Tom Hanks battled discrimination in "Philadelphia" and just about every major American event ever in "Forrest Gump." Dustin Hoffman battled Meryl Streep (shudder) in "Kramer vs. Kramer" and autism in "Rain Man." Vivian Leigh battled hoop skirts in "Gone With The Wind" and Hilary Swank fought against being a girl in "Million Dollar Baby."

Face it: The Academy loves an underdog. Especially an underdog who wins. Your #1 surefire way to win an Oscar is to appear in a movie in which you defeat the odds. You don't even have to win in the traditional sense. Rocky didn't win that first fight, but he won his self-respect. He also won a Best Picture Oscar. Oh, and a bunch of sequels. Sequels = money, which is also very important.

Bonus points: Actually being handicapped in some way. See: Marlee Matlin playing - SURPRISE! - a deaf woman in "Children of a Lesser God." Harold Russell, who lost both hands in WWII and whose character in "The Best Years of Our Lives" relied upon this, was presented with a special Oscar for being an inspiration to all veterans, and then won the Best Supporting Actor award to boot. There's a joke in there somewhere about an Oscar for each missing hand, but I can't quite bring myself to make it.

2. The "You Played a Really Awesome Person Award"

George S. Patton. George M. Cohan. Ray Charles. Jake La Motta. June Carter Cash. Mahatma Gandhi. Fanny Brice. Truman Capote. Harvey Milk. Queen Elizabeth II.

What do these names have in common? They were all real people, and they were all portrayed by actors who went on to win Oscar for those portrayals. Fact is, if someone's life was important enough to spawn a film version, it'll probably be good enough to at least get you nominated for playing them. Unless you're portraying, say, Biggie Smalls. In which case...better luck next time.

I'm so cool, they made a movie about me. Incidentally, I am also the Queen of England. So there's that.

Bonus Points: If the person you're playing is still alive so you can just learn how to be like them. Half your work is done right there. All you have to do is learn your lines and you're good to go. See: Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn in "Coal Miner's Daughter." All she needed after that was a giant wig and she was set.

EXTRA Bonus Points: If the person you're playing is not only real but also has the heart of a champion (see #1). Example? Daniel Day-Lewis in "My Left Foot." Why was it called "My Left Foot"? Because it was about a guy who painted using, you guessed it, his left foot - because that's all he could use, cerebral palsy having left him unable to control the rest of his limbs. They should have just shot a final scene of him holding the Oscar statue - it would've made the ceremony that much shorter.

3. The "We Screwed Up Award"

I have a bad temper. You're lucky I like you.

It seems like this is really what it's all about nowadays - the pity award. The award you get for a lesser performance in apology for the award you lost back when you actually deserved to win. Case in point: Russell Crowe. Although I think we can all agree that "Gladiator" was a pretty kick-ass movie when it came out (I was literally on the edge of my seat at certain points...and I'm a girl), and while there were a few genuinely well-acted scenes on Crowe's part (I can't think of any at this time...but I'm sure they were in there someplace), it was practically common knowledge at the time that the award placed in his hot little hand was really for "The Insider," which he was nominated for the year prior but lost to Kevin Spacey. No one's saying that Spacey didn't deserve the award, but Crowe won in 2001 for "The Insider." Not "Gladiator." Sorry, Maximus. Don't throw anything at me, okay?

See also: Kate Winslet, who won for "The Reader" and not "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or any of the other roles she's been nominated for...talk about the Academy saying "Okay, we get it, here's a statue." Jimmy Stewart won for "The Philadelphia Story" but was really awarded for his performance in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," if only because he made us believe that there's such a thing as an honest politician. And Al Pacino. "Scent of a Woman"? All he did was yell. But that's his thing nowadays.

4. The Legacy Award

If have nothing snarky to say here. It's The Duke. I just...can't.

Can you imagine how much it must suck to do your very best, most soul-searing work in a film of high quality...only to be nominated alongside an actor who's been at it since Jesus was a tyke but who has never won an Oscar? You might as well hang it up the day the nominations are announced and spend the evening of the ceremony on the couch in your fat pants, eating a pint of ice cream and being glad that you don't have to sit there with a smile plastered on your face for hours because you never know when the camera will be pointed in your direction. At least you won't be forced to participate in the inevitable standing ovation when you lose.

John Wayne, who finally won the award in 1970 (his first film appearance being in 1926), is hardly the only example of this phenomenon. Geraldine Page lost 6 times before winning only a few years prior to her death (the standing ovation? Exhaustingly long). Shirley Maclaine won on her 6th nomination and started her acceptance speech with "I'm gonna cry because this show has been as long as my career!" No kidding.

Are the Oscars awesome or totally boring?

Uh, I LOVE the Oscars!

 

Oscar who??

 

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