5 Reasons Your Favorite Baseball Team Shouldn't Sign Albert Pujols
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As Albert Pujols continues to tease the jorts off his loyal fans in St. Louis, fans of the other 29 MLB teams are foaming at their collective mouths at the prospect of having Pujols in their favorite team's jersey during the 2011 season. Though they may foam all they like, there are five reasonable--and occasionally conspiratorial--reasons your favorite baseball team should not sign the slugging first baseman.
1. (H)is (G)iant (H)ead
Though Cardinals fans will rush to Albert Pujols' defense as the best "clean" player in the MLB, the fact remains that Pujols has played his entire Major League career for manager Tony LaRussa, who turned a blind eye as confessed cheaters Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco shot each other up with enough steroids to put hair on even Walt Weiss' chest. Soulless GINGER hair, to boot.
Far be it from me to pretend I've ever set foot inside of a gym, but I don't know of a single weightlifting regimen that makes your skull bigger. Yet Pujols...well, just look at this thing:
Albert Pujols once reported two weeks late for Spring Training because he had to shave his head.
Albert Pujols' batting helmet holds more liquid than the Starbucks Trenta.
Albert Pujols' contract demands are for ten years and either $300M or his hat full of nickels.
I'm just saying he has a gigantic head. And I don't think it's from all that learning. What I mean to say is that it might be from pharmaceuticals.
2. He's Actually 55 Years Old
Albert Pujols allegedly turned 31 years old on January 16, 2011. That's 2011 A.D., in case you just snickered. It's very telling that the Cardinals are hesitant to pay the best player in baseball and the face of their franchise the money he is demanding. After all, if Pujols is truly only 31 years old, he's definitely worth the price he's asking. So, either the Cardinals know something about Pujols' age that we don't know, or they're afraid that Pujols will demand that his salary be paid in Confederate money and delivered by the Pony Express.
Let's face it. Dominican ballplayers lying about their ages is a tradition as old as...well, as old as Albert Pujols. But, buck up, baseball fans. One advantage to Pujols' old age is that if your team signs him, they won't have to pay for his medical insurance throughout the duration of his contract. Medicare should kick in during the third year.
3. He'll Account for More Than 50% of Your Team's Total Payroll
I'm talking specifically to you, Rays, Blue Jays, Indians, Royals, Marlins, Nationals, Pirates, Padres, and Diamondbacks fans. Albert Pujols is currently demanding more than 50% of your team's 2010 payroll. And if you're a Brewers fan, you missed the cut by a mere $200K. That's an awful lot of money to commit to 1/25th of an active MLB roster.
Just for fun, let's take the Pittsburgh Pirates' payroll of $32.6M in 2010 and try to add Albert Pujols to it. After signing Pujols, the Pirates would have $2.6M left over to fill their remaining 24 roster slots. The Major League minimum in 2010 was $400,000. That means the Pirates can sign Pujols and...six other players at just over the league minimum. I sure hope Albert can pitch.
4. The Alex Rodriguez Factor
Because baseball is a sport based on the individual performances of 9 or 10-plus players each game, a player like Pujols can only have so much impact on your team. Even if he manages not to break his hip and perform up to his contract, as Alex Rodriguez showed in Texas, supporting cast matters. One hitter getting 4-5 at-bats a night or one pitcher getting a start every fifth day can't single-handedly turn around a franchise.
Well, most of the time.
5. The Wells/Zito/Soriano Factor
For the one player like Rodriguez who performs admirably well in comparison to his contract, there are dozens who fail miserably. Want to start a terrible fun bar debate? Ask your friends what the worst contract in baseball is. I'm sure you'll get the usual list of suspects like Vernon Wells, Barry Zito, and Alfonso Soriano, but there are bad contracts all over baseball. Don't forget guys like Carlos Lee, Aaron Rowand, Juan Pierre, and Juan Uribe. Unless you're a fan of the Astros, Giants, White Sox, or Dodgers. Then, by all means, drink until you forget them.
Is Pujols more likely to play like Alex Rodriguez than like Vernon Wells? Sure. Would I bet $300M on it? What am I, made of money?
With which team will Albert Pujols sign?
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