11 Words That Puberty Has Ruined

Posted on by Benjamin Chabot-Hanowell (Brash Equilibrium)
URL for sharing: http://thisorth.at/2avk
85973
Let's play a game. I'm going to say something, then you're going try not to become:

  1. horny
  2. offended
  3. giggly
  4. all of the above
Ready? Okay.

I'm coming, pussy, but it's so hard and you're so wet. Plus I'm distracted by this pecker in my ear, and this cock bouncing around between my ankles, not to mention these faggots going at it good and hot behind me. Still, all things considered, I'm feeling pretty gay. But man I could use a facial, and you know I could really go for some potato. (That last one won't register if you aren't from the Lesser Antilles.)

So, how did you do? Wait, where are you going?



Well, at least you're still here...Wait a second, now what?



Oh, come on! I didn't mean anything by it, just hear me out. Well, at least we're not all giggling like school girls.



For love of all that is holy!

See what I mean? It's hard (please don't go to your bunk) to read the paragraph above without some raunchy stuff coming (oh, no) to mind. But guys, that was just me trying to give a cat a bath at my cabin in the woods while a fire was burning, a woodpecker was pecking, and a rooster was running around my ankles. Meanwhile I talked to my wife about how hungry I was and how I could use a spa treatment. Jeez, What did you think I was saying?

I think you get my point, but let's beat it into the ground. The English language bears the scar of the Victorian Period all the way through the 1950s. In that era, everyone became outwardly the biggest prude, but inwardly the most insatiable whore. As a result, so many perfectly innocent words now have a perfectly dirty connotation (how telling is it that I used "innocent" to describe concepts detached from sexuality?). No doubt, many of these words get violated for us during puberty or (for later bloomers and the religious) during college.

It's time we got to the roots of this issue. I've put together a list of 13 ordinary words that puberty has ruined, and their naughty etymologies.


Yeah, etymology. Yeah! Make it hurt! Give it to me...I've been so bad. So very bad.

11. Come/Coming/Came

When I was in the third grade, one jokester in my class would often write "I love come" on as many of my school supplies as possible, right above where I wrote my name (I know who you are, Mel C.!). If we lived in a different world, the most offensive (okay, hilarious) part of these little notes would be that they don't form a complete sentence. But we are still reeling from the rampant prudishness of the Victorian Period, which caused us to use one of the most important English verbs in lieu of "orgasm." So "I love come" is now a complete sentence, which implies that I, as a third grader, was enamored by human sperm.

How has it come (zing!) to this? Why do I have to stifle a chuckle every time someone exclaims, "Let's go!" and I answer, "I'm coming"? The naughty etymology of "come" (and later "cum") has more to do with pornographic writers trying to be poetic than anything else. The meaning of come as "orgasm" goes back as for as the mid-1600s. The more recent usage with reference to male baby batter wasn't common until the 1970s.

10. Pussy

Back before everybody was a sick bastard, if you said the word "pussy" in most social contexts, people would think you were talking about a member of this species:

Cat doing what cats do
VCR sitter. Important note: Brash $%&#ing hates this species.

The origins of the word as sexual innuendo are as mysterious as getting "it" is to average-looking 20 year-old males.

average-looking 20 year-old male
Average-looking 20 year-old male: Clueless.

Here's what we think we know. Three cognates could lie at the origin of this most hallowed word:

  1. Old Norse, pūss (pocket)
  2. Old Saxon, pūse (vulva)
  3. Old English, pusa (bag)
Man, if options 1 or 3 lie at the origin, all Nordic or English ethnic men truly do deserve to spend a little time here:

doghouse
Where Brash spends the night when he's been bad.

Things really start to make sense considering the Latin word pudenda means literally "the external genitals, especially of the female." It's as if all Indo-European languages were predestined to converge their vagina-slang upon one otherwise innocent word, allowing Tom Jones to sing the greatest double entendre to ever have panties and hotel room keys thrown at it:



To me, the greatest part about the history of pussy (the word, not the...yeah) is this: We know from a pamphlet curiously titled "Anatomie of Abuses," published back in the 16th century by a guy named Philip Stubbs, that pussy once referred to women in general. This further proves that nothing changes with regard to the male understanding of females.

Philip Stubbs
This man saw women as walking, talking pussies.

9. Hard

Really, hard isn't that bad, because it actually describes the state of a penis (or several other naughty protuberances of the human body) when erect. Maybe that's why I don't giggle as much when it is said in other contexts. What I really should have listed was the word "erect." That word is precisely why I decided not to become an architect or a civil engineer. I am simply incapable of sitting through any meeting in which the word "erection" features prominently without, at some point, laughing heartily.

By the way, this URL is relevant.

8. Wet

Once I checked out a children's book from the library called Hat. It doesn't matter what the story was about, but at one point there is a picture of a woman in a dress, standing in the rain, getting soaked. The caption reads, "A fancy girl, dripping wet." Every time I read that page to my daughter, I appreciate that her understanding of useful, descriptive words like "wet" has not yet become sexualized. We'll see what happens when puberty arrives, and she starts spending more time with her friends. Young people are the sickest little bastards.

7. Pecker

Not only has this word, as innuendo, totally ruined Woody the Woodpecker for me, but it makes no sense. I mean, the penis doesn't peck, why do we call it a...



Oh. I get it now.

6. Cock

Cockfighting is a disgraceful display of animal cruelty. But you've got to admit it, every time you hear "cockfight," an image both hilarious and disturbing momentarily flashes in your mind. Even funnier (and more disturbing) is the image flashing through your mind when I tell you that a man was recently stabbed to death by a cock.

5. Thing

Lauryn Hill is one of my favorite recording artists. Her songs are socially relevant, intellectually engaging, and provocative. Her voice is both strong and beautiful. But, God damn it all, every time I hear her single "Doo Wop (That Thing)," I momentarily forget it is Lauryn Hill and mistake her for Lil Kim singing about (a) a penis; or (b) her ass, instead of railing against promiscuous sex, which Hill's song implies is distracting young people (in this case, young black people) from engaging with social issues.

Being a man sucks sometimes.

No, I'm just kidding. Being a man is $#%*ing awesome. I get to do this.

Wait a second...

Wait a second. Something is wrong with that picture. Oh. I see what you did there.

4. Faggot

Someone once asked Cecil Adams of Straight Dope how a word that originally meant a bundle of sticks came to describe homosexuals (usually homosexual men). Given the present and nearly global pandemic of homophobia, you might think there is some sick, sadistic implication in the usage that homosexuals should be burned to death over what some folks call them. I sincerely hope people are not that hateful. Then again, the Westboro Baptist Church actually exists.

The etymological reality may be a bit more complicated. In Adams' answer, he relates that often a word originally used to describe women comes to describe both women and children, then effeminate men, and finally homosexual men. This may be what happened with "faggot," which was once British slang for a ball-busting woman. Interestingly, it may have been homosexuals themselves who began using the word to describe particularly flamboyant gay people. Which brings us to...

3. Gay

The Gay Nineties do not refer to the decade in which the music of Freddy Mercury regained popularity (mostly due to Wayne's World and The Mighty Ducks, I should add). They refer to a decade in the 19th century marked by over-indulgence (by the way, the decade was referred to as the Naughty Nineties in the United Kingdom). Originally, the word "gay" meant (and still means) "carefree" or "happy" or "bright and showy," which describes a San Francisco Gay Pride parade quite well. The word gradually became associated with immorality (thus the Gay Nineties), especially with regard to prostitution and promiscuity. It seems as though, through history, English speakers have sloughed their lasciviousness onto people who happen to be attracted to individuals of the same sex. Way to shift the burden to a vulnerable minority group, language micro-evolution!

2. Facial

Thanks to having once (and possibly for always) been a sick little teenage boy, my wife cannot talk about how she wants me to give her a facial for her birthday. I can't help at least one hearty guffaw. And I pity the fool who happens to be a male spa employee who gives my wife the best facial she's ever had.

Facial
This picture just inspired half our male readers to surf toward Google Images.
Actually, most of our male readers are like 17, so we've lost nearly all of them.
Then again, they're 17, so this picture might do it for them.

The next thing you know, my wife won't be able to tell me she's going to get a pedicure without one of my jackass friends (okay, me) thinking it has something to do with some (soon to be) unlucky bastard's foot fetish.

1. Patat (i.e., "Potato" in Dominican French Creole)

Let me show off my linguistic skills, bestowed upon me by playing lots of dominoes and drinking boukou rum while doing anthropological fieldwork in the Caribbean.

Kile mwen ka viwe pou kay'w, mon vle pou manje patat mama'w.

Literally translated: "When I return to your house, I want to eat your mom's potato."

I think you can figure the naughty translation on your own. And, no. I've no clue how "potato" came to mean...well, you know what I mean.

Damn, look at that potato!
Damn! This party is crawlin' with gaggles of potato.

Which word is more likely to become sexual innuendo?

5973 views & 52 votes

Debate It! 8

hehehehe.... there's a sexual innuendo in my dutch oven ;L

Posted By Olivia_1994,

nice Brash!

Posted By Mr.Truther,

favourite tot so far... <3

Posted By Musicy_14,

*bows*

Posted By Brash Equilibrium,

I'm guessing, rather informedly, that "faggot" became a slur in the times of the Roman occupation of the Brittish Isles, in which it was used (and WELL BEFORE witch-burnings) to refer to the Legion's 'fasces,' which were often sticks or arrow shafts bundled around a hatchet or handaxe. The association of sodomy and the Roman Legions in the Isles is fairly well documented. Still, I'm no etymologist and I find the association anecdotal and interesting enough to avoid pursuing and proving wrong...

Posted By TeetersMcClain,

TeetersMcClain: linguistic pimp.

Posted By Brash Equilibrium,

Now everything makes sense. I'm gonna use this pussy today :|

Posted By Lompostathe,

Dutch oven!

Posted By Dideenable,

Make a Comment

You must be signed in to add a comment. login | register
Username
view profile
You are now following
a
You are no longer following
a
 
test message
×